IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
At present, inadequate weight has increased among certain demographics of society as well and their healthy lives are reducing. From my perspective, over-intake in fast foods and lack of exercise are the main causes of these problems.
However
Linking Words
, arising issues seem to be continuously looming over these prospects which will be discussed below and I will offer my views.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the rising of weight is significantly increased among
people
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 fast foods. Today,
time
Use synonyms
 is money.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 do not spend much
time
Use synonyms
 making
food
Use synonyms
 in their homes.
Thus
Linking Words
, they go to restaurants or street
food
Use synonyms
 shops to buy
food
Use synonyms
 and save
time
Use synonyms
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they can quickly face an illness.
For instance
Linking Words
, over intake of oils, salts and sugars can lead to heart disease, diabetes, formation of kidney stones and liver failures. Another reason is lack of exercise. In the sophisticated world,
people
Use synonyms
 only focus on their work rather than exercise.
As a result
Linking Words
, their fitness level has decreased consistently.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, these arising issues should be controlled by their own self and government officials. Remarkably,
people
Use synonyms
 should make
food
Use synonyms
 in their homes in order to order outside.
Also
Linking Words
, parents wanted to create a rule for their children and make it a habit to eat a home.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the government should create legislation for restaurants to minimize the open hours
as well as
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
's fitness. These are some records, in Japan, the government includes free fitness gyms for 24 hours for everyone
while
Linking Words
 they can use their free
time
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, Japan's
people
Use synonyms
's average death age is around 90 years old.
That is
Linking Words
 higher than in other countries.
To conclude
Linking Words
, healthy growth is important for every individual.
Consequently
Linking Words
, everyone should take care of their own self without depending on others.
Thus
Linking Words
, they should focus on exercising and healthy intake of
food
Use synonyms
 ,
Linking Words
Otherwise
Add a comma
Otherwise,
show examples
 they cannot survive healthily.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay addresses the topic but lacks clear and comprehensive ideas. The examples provided are somewhat relevant but need further development and specificity.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is somewhat maintained, but the introduction and conclusion need improvement. The development of ideas and supporting examples could also be enhanced for better coherence and cohesion.
lexical resource
The lexical resource demonstrates good range but lacks precision and accuracy in usage. There is a need to improve vocabulary and use more appropriate and specific words and phrases.
grammatical range
The grammatical range is competent but there are instances of grammatical errors, especially in sentence structure. The use of varied and complex sentence structures needs improvement for a higher score.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
What to do next:
Look at other essays: