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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In today's world,
along with
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 the improvement in folk's lifestyle, crime rates are
also
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 tremendously rising.
According to
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 various studies, it is found that several violent
activities
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 like bullying and fighting take place at the parks. In my opinion, it is the duty of nurturers to educate their kids regarding manners. The reasons to support my aforementioned statement
along with
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 several examples will be elaborated in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 , the first and foremost reason
,
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apply
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 is that violent
activities
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 have an adverse impact on youngster's life and education.
While
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 indulging in brutal schemes, children will not be able to give proper attention towards their studies.
For instance
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, they will create
violence
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 at school too by hitting other students.
Due to
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 harsh behaviour, school authorities might rusticate the student.
However
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, it is the duty of parents to teach their kids the right moves and the disadvantages of
violence
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 before any mishappening. Moving towards the other reason, every kid establishes their future from childhood
activities
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. In my opinion,
violence
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 should always be prohibited
at the first stage
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 by parents. There are several criminals in the world who destroyed their families and friends.
For example
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, in India, the kids and wives of a few criminals are not aware of their presence in the world, they never met each other.
Therefore
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, In order to save the country's future and Individual's life, every nurturer should take the initiative to kill crime at a young age.
To conclude
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, violent
activities
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 at every age are common nowadays but parents can stop the crime by educating their children regarding the drawbacks of
violence
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.
This
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 step will assist children in focusing on education and the future.

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Correction
There are some minor grammatical and wording errors present. For example, 'youngsters' life' should be 'youngsters' lives', 'wives of a few criminals are not aware of their presence in the world' needs rephrasing for clarity, etc.
Tone and register
Be cautious of terms that could come across as overly dramatic or exaggerated, such as 'kill crime', as this can detract from the overall professionalism and clarity of the essay.
Expand ideas
Although points were made and supported, they could have been more impactful with less repetition and a greater range of vocabulary.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • escalation of violence
  • peaceful conflict resolution
  • defuse tense situations
  • self-control
  • managing emotions
  • express themselves
  • resolve problems
  • foster a safer environment
  • lead by example
  • empathy and understanding
  • alternative strategies
  • life skills
  • retaliate
  • confrontation
  • non-violent communication
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