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Band 7

Without capital punishment (the death penalty) our lives are less secure and crimes of violence increase. Capital punishment is essential to control violence in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#punishment #death #penalty #lives #crimes #violence #control #society
None of the countries around the world are safe from criminals and have overwhelmed people. In order to control them, it is suggested that they should be sentenced to death, which can decrease the number of crimes. I strongly disagree with
this
 proposal because they should be given another chance. In
this
 era, many
offenses
Change the spelling
offences
show examples
 are prohibited in countries, like assassinating, abducting, etc., and they penalize them to death for these kinds of sins. But from my perspective, they should be given another opportunity to live in
this
 world.
For example
, if someone is a street criminal and snatches mobile phones, wallets, and cars, they should be put in prison for some years;
thus
, they will realize what they have done and will not commit it again.
Additionally
, it is the foremost responsibility of parents to teach their children what is wrong and what is right. If they see their youngsters betrayed, they should teach them where to go and what to do. I personally have seen that in my childhood, one of my peers visited the market with me, and she stole some rubber. The shopkeeper scolded her for
this
 action and complained to her parents. They teach them not to perform it again, and she never repeats it.
Moreover
, many adolescents have some psychiatric issues, and they deliberately commit misdeeds. They should be treated well before being punished.
Furthermore
, it
also
 involves the government's role because they should check on poverty. Many of the suspects do wrong
due to
 poverty and having no money to eat and work. The government needs to look after the economy of a country and should provide the basic requirements for every place in the nation.
This
 will reduce the chances of crimes, and
therefore
, the violence will decrease. In conclusion, the penalty of death should not be a significant punishment to control the suspects;
however
, other important roles need to be played in society to overcome
this
 issue.
Submitted by sh.mariakhan on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion with a logical structure and well-supported main points. However, there are minor issues with the presence of introduction and conclusion.
task response
Your essay provides a complete response to the task, with clear and comprehensive ideas supported by relevant and specific examples. Good job overall, but there is room for improvement in the conclusion and introduction.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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