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Band 6.5

Many students find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention at school. What are the reasons? What could be done to solve this problem?

#students #attention #school
In some educational institutions, there are a number of
students
 who have difficulties with concentration in their lessons. In fact, several reasons can be given for the causes and
besides
 that, there
also
 have solutions to every particular problem. One of the most essential causes that can be seen in almost all
students
 is related to social media. There is the fact that
students
 now are not used to spending much time on the Internet.
For instance
, some schools do not strict learners to turn off their phones when they are in class so
this
 can be a problem of
students
’ distraction.
Furthermore
, the health problem is
also
 vital to the lack of attention. These days,
due to
 having to study a lot, plenty of
students
 are not likely to be provided with enough nutrition and even lack of sleep.
However
, there are two ways to make these issues disappear.
Firstly
,
students
’ families and their schools should encourage and create several changes for
students
 to join in real social activities and keep them away from their phones.
Besides
 that educational institutes must
also
 set a rule that learners have to turn off their smartphones in their classes.
Secondly
, for
students
’ health, parents should be the assistants of their children. Not only they can supervise the study performance of children but they
also
 provide nutritious food immediately and give advice for children to sleep enough time. In conclusion, social media and health problems are the main causes of the decline in concentration in numerous
students
 so families and schools should have solutions to face
with
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these issues.
Submitted by anhnguhongmai on

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task response
The essay addresses the reasons for students' lack of concentration and provides solutions. However, the arguments could be further developed and supported with more specific examples.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and present, but there are minor issues with coherence and cohesion within the body paragraphs. The essay would benefit from better paragraph organization and linking words.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • concentration
  • attention span
  • distractions
  • technology
  • boredom
  • tiredness
  • engagement
  • learning disabilities
  • teaching techniques
  • classroom size
  • family issues
  • health problems
  • motivational strategies
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