IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#say #people #age #work
These days,
significant
Change the article
a significant
the significant
show examples
 number of people suggest that the
age
 requirements for
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 to retire should be lifted tediously since most of them are having longer
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
. Personally, I strongly disagree with the suggestion since it contributes a lot of drawbacks to company improvement and
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 condition of the
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
 that I will elaborate
Change preposition
on futher
show examples
futher
Correct your spelling
further
 in the following paragraphs.
To begin
 with, many employees will start to retire as they reach a non-productive
age
 (58-60 years old). Medical professionals believe that older people’s
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
 will stop the redevelopment of
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 cells
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 leads to skills concretion. As an illustration, most older employees are working at
slower
Add an article
a slower
show examples
 rate compared to productive
age
 workers
although
 the task difficulty they are working on is similar.
From
Change preposition
According to
show examples
 a survey made by a qualified institution, if the younger workers are given more challenging assignments, they even will be able to complete the task without any mistakes,
while
Correct article usage
the eldery
show examples
eldery
Correct your spelling
elderly
 are unable to solve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
any of those problems.
As a result
, an institution in which the
eldery
Correct your spelling
elderly
 are working will face a slow rate
development
Change preposition
of development
show examples
.
On the other hand
, most people at the
age
within
Change preposition
of
show examples
 55 to 70 years old are susceptible to severe diseases,
such
 as heart attack, sight disease and stroke. Those diseases are mainly caused by the
high stress
Add a hyphen
high-stress
show examples
 level as they are given complex
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
. As an illustration, offshore workers
are having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
high demand and challenging
responsibilties
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
,
therefore
, it is apparent that most of them have
greater
Add an article
a greater
show examples
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of stress.
Additionally
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
severe diseases could
also
 reduce the living
age
 of the person.
To conclude
, raising the
age
 for
retire
Replace the word
retirement
show examples
session
Fix the agreement mistake
sessions
show examples
 is indeed unbeneficial for people since it causes several negative impacts
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
company
Change noun form
company's
show examples
 development and the workers’ health.
Submitted by naufalandhikapratama on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: