IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#say #people #age #work
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These days,
significant
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a significant
the significant
show examples
 number of people suggest that the
age
Use synonyms
 requirements for
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
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 to retire should be lifted tediously since most of them are having longer
live
Replace the word
lives
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. Personally, I strongly disagree with the suggestion since it contributes a lot of drawbacks to company improvement and
health
Correct article usage
the health
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 condition of the
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
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 that I will elaborate
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on futher
show examples
futher
Correct your spelling
further
 in the following paragraphs.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, many employees will start to retire as they reach a non-productive
age
Use synonyms
 (58-60 years old). Medical professionals believe that older people’s
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
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 will stop the redevelopment of
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 cells
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 leads to skills concretion. As an illustration, most older employees are working at
slower
Add an article
a slower
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 rate compared to productive
age
Use synonyms
 workers
although
Linking Words
 the task difficulty they are working on is similar.
From
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According to
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 a survey made by a qualified institution, if the younger workers are given more challenging assignments, they even will be able to complete the task without any mistakes,
while
Linking Words
Correct article usage
the eldery
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eldery
Correct your spelling
elderly
 are unable to solve
the
Correct article usage
apply
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any of those problems.
As a result
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, an institution in which the
eldery
Correct your spelling
elderly
 are working will face a slow rate
development
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of development
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.
On the other hand
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, most people at the
age
Use synonyms
within
Change preposition
of
show examples
 55 to 70 years old are susceptible to severe diseases,
such
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 as heart attack, sight disease and stroke. Those diseases are mainly caused by the
high stress
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high-stress
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 level as they are given complex
job
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jobs
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. As an illustration, offshore workers
are having
Wrong verb form
have
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a
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apply
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high demand and challenging
responsibilties
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responsibilities
,
therefore
Linking Words
, it is apparent that most of them have
greater
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a greater
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level
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levels
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 of stress.
Additionally
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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severe diseases could
also
Linking Words
 reduce the living
age
Use synonyms
 of the person.
To conclude
Linking Words
, raising the
age
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 for
retire
Replace the word
retirement
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session
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sessions
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 is indeed unbeneficial for people since it causes several negative impacts
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
company
Change noun form
company's
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 development and the workers’ health.
Submitted by naufalandhikapratama on

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