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Band 7.5

Shopping is now one of the most popular forms of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. What do you think is the reason for this? Is this a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, shopping has become a great way of spending free
time
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 in many nations for youngsters. In my view,
this
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 is a positive development because
this
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 allows us to buy necessary items that are essential on our daily basis
such
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 as food and we
also
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 get to spend quality
time
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 by catching up with friends and family.
People
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 can buy the things that are essential for personal growth. To illustrate: books are mandatory tools for students to learn important skills and gain proper knowledge . Beside, shopping can be more than just purchasing objects and materials. It can be a great means to meet with friends and family and spend meaningful
time
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 together. It is blessing and pleasure to be around with the
people
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 with whom we share love and care.
While
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 we are having a hard
time
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, we can communicate with them by sitting in a quite restaurant or a cafe and they can give us genuine advice.
Moreover
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, we will stress less.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 may be passionate about buying trendy clothes and gadgets. They may love buying gifts for themselves or for their relatives.
For instance
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: during special occasion
such
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 as Christmas, parents love buying gifts for their children and many shops
also
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 provide a huge discount to attract many customers. Our body release happy hormones like dopamine when we are pleased and content. So, for some
people
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 it can bring a great sense of satisfaction and peace after getting the things they like.
This
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 might motivate them to work even harder and better for the things they want to achieve.
Therefore
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, it is beneficial to do shopping rather than many other detrimental activities like drinking alcohol or taking drugs. To summarise, shopping brings relaxation in hectic schedule
as well as
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 positive energy to keep up with both the worklife and personal life.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and the points are logically linked to this central idea. For instance, the first paragraph introduces the idea that shopping is a positive development but sometimes drifts off-topic.
task achievement
Expand and elaborate on some of the points mentioned. For example, while the essay states that shopping allows us to buy essential items, it would benefit from more specifics, such as detailing the variety of items beyond just books and food.
coherence cohesion
The essay has some small grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, "Beside" should be "Besides" and "body release" should be "body releases." Proofreading for such minor issues can refine your response.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with clear paragraphs having distinct topics.
task achievement
The use of examples like Christmas to support points makes the argument more effective, adding relevant and specific examples.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and help to frame the essay nicely, contributing to a more logical and structured response.
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