IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

These days some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#people #money #tickets #events #development
Recently, there have been lots of people who are willingly spending tickets for sporting or cultural events. To the best of my knowledge, I view
this
 as a positive change. Not only the experience would be more immersive, but
also
 it is an opportunity for the spender to build relationships and gather with their own family.
To begin
 with, watching a match directly at the stadium or joining festive events is far more immersive than just watching on television, news or through any social media.
Additionally
, it brings sensational feelings
as well as
 sharing those overwhelming which is hard to describe emotion with others. Not only that, but it is
also
 a
time
 for making new unexpected friends.
For example
, many studies have shown that about 80% of the audiences made friends after any kind of event and these types of relationships
last
 the longest compared to making friends via social media.
Similarly
, spending
time
 with family at sports tournaments or festival events is somewhat special. It helps solidify the relationship among members together as it is the
time
 for them to share emotions. As for the children, they can discover raw emotions for the adults, they can learn to live with joyfulness and
according to
 some research, it helps them build EQ. With those benefits, many adults have spent countless of money in order to have
time
 to connect with In conclusion,
although
 the ticket prices might be expensive and far-fetched for some. Considering the arguments mentioned earlier, willingly spending those tickets makes the value priceless.
Submitted by maituanorange on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a comprehensive response to the topic and maintains a clear position throughout. However, enhancing your examples and details will significantly strengthen it. Try to keep your arguments well-evidenced and bring in more specific statistics or anecdotes when possible.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is strong, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. To improve cohesion, use more varied linking phrases and transitions to ensure a more fluid connection between ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
You ensure a well-structured essay with clear introduction and conclusion sections, which makes your position easy to follow.
task achievement
Your essay effectively argues the positive aspects of spending money on sporting or cultural events and touches on several relevant points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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