IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some say that parents whose children are breaking the law must be punished in some way. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is commonly argued that
parents
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 of
children
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 who break the law must be punished as well. Personally, I can neither completely agree nor disagree with
this
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 statement for a variety of reasons I will be presenting in
this
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 essay.
To begin
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 with, I partly agree with the idea of punishing the guardians of juveniles as the duty of guiding and leading kids falls on the shoulders of their
parents
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. As
such
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, if a child commits a crime, it acts as evidence that their guardians aren't properly completing the responsibility of raising a kid.
This
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 meant that punishments may be necessary to act as a warning and prevent future similar cases. Research has already shown the psychological impact on
children
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 from bad parenting, and it's estimated by New York University that
children
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 who live in a bad home environment are 5 times more likely to commit a crime below the age of 18 compared to others.
On the other hand
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, I disagree with the viewpoint presented on punishing
parents
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 of
children
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 who broke the law.
This
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 is because it may not be the
parents
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' intention to neglect their parental roles, but rather the circumstances surrounding the family force them to be
this
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 way.
Due to
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 financial problems, many people are forced to work longer hours for more money to feed their families, meaning properly educating their
children
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 becomes an afterthought.
Consequently
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, the child in
this
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 situation may feel neglected or abandoned, leading to reckless behaviours later on. In
this
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 situation, we shouldn't blame the
parents
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 as they have no other choice. In fact, research done by Yale University has shown how 1 in 5 Americans are making below-average wages, leading to them working multiple jobs a day just to scrape by, meaning the situation described above is actually quite common. In conclusion,
although
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 logically it makes sense to punish
parents
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 whose
children
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 are breaking the law, I'm convinced that it's not always in the
parents
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' best interests to
poorly
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apply
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raise their kids into law-breaking individuals, but rather it's
due to
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 a combination of unfortunate circumstances.

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task response
While your essay presents both sides of the argument, it is important to clearly state your own position in the introduction paragraph.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is generally well-developed with clear topic sentences and supporting details. However, make sure to provide a stronger supporting example in the second body paragraph to further strengthen your argument.
lexical resource
Your essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary and uses appropriate words and phrases to express your ideas effectively. Consider using more varied synonyms and expressions to enhance the lexical resource.
grammatical range
Your essay shows a good control of grammar with the use of complex sentences and appropriate verb tenses. Just be cautious of some minor errors in subject-verb agreement and sentence structure.
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