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Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowadays celebrities are famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievement and this sets a bad example for the young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievement #sets #people
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Media
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 personalities play an influential role in societies. Gaining popularity based on glamour and
wealth
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 has become a contemporary trend in
media
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, which many
people
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 believe has a negative impact on young minds.
Nonetheless
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, I subscribe to
this
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 view
due to
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 various reasons which shall be discussed in the following essay. First and foremost, it is believed that young
people
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 are relatively easier to template and lure by massive
wealth
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 and glamorous
life
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. Adolescence is the maturing phase of
life
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 where young individuals learn from their surroundings.
In other words
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, it is the other's
life
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 experiences that shape their minds at
this
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 stage, which is why cherishing
people
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's success based on their possessions can possibly lead to a detrimental outcome.
For example
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, several social
media
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 influencers have become the highlight of
media
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 merely because of their beautification and possessions, and owing to
this
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 many children have given up on their studies as they think that if they become like them , they might be successful as well.
Hence
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, youngsters can effortlessly be manipulated about their goals if the
media
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 continues to applaud
people
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's physical appearance and
wealth
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.
Furthermore
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, deviation from goals and distraction from studies commonly stem from
such
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 criteria of popularity. Since the
media
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 acknowledgement centres around
wealth
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 and glamour
instead
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 of achievements, much of the celebrities' struggle remains uncovered.
Consequently
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, some adolescents begin to think that becoming famous does not require hard work, and
this
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 ideology
then
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 leads them to be diverted and distracted from their usual path.
For instance
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, not only have many young individuals ended their careers in pursuit of effortless fame, but have
also
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 given up the potential of hard work.
Thus
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, one-sided acknowledgement of success can rob youngsters of their potential and diligence. In conclusion, when the basis of popularity is wrong, it can detrimentally lure young
people
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's minds resulting in deviation from hard work, commitment, and vaguely defined
life
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 goals. In my perspective,
due to
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 the widespread use of
media
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, particularly among young
people
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 can inherently modify
attitudes
Correct article usage
the attitudes
show examples
 and behaviours of its viewers, and,
therefore
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, the criteria for awarding fame should be based on personal triumphs, not valuable possessions.
Submitted by hadia.iftikhar126 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, make sure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Consider using transitional phrases more effectively within and between paragraphs to guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
Strengthen your task response by further developing some of your points. For example, you could elaborate more on the examples provided by offering more specific details or various perspectives on the issue.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which effectively present and summarize the main arguments.
task achievement
The response addresses all parts of the task and provides clear, relevant arguments supporting the main view.
coherence cohesion
Overall, the ideas are logically organized, and the essay maintains a strong focus on the topic throughout.
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