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Band 6.5

84.Surveys show that people are living longer in many countries. But increased life expectancy has many implications for aging individuals and for society as a whole. What are the possible effects of longer living of individuals and society?

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It is argued that individuals are living for longer times in many nations, and
this
 can lead to many implications for society and individuals.
This
 essay would argue that the possible effects of ageing are an
increase
 in the probability of getting sick and having more
time
 to be with the family. When
people
 get older, their immune system will start to reduce, and
this
 will cause a higher tendency to acquire diseases, so sometimes, these
people
 should spend lots of their
time
 at hospitals, to make sure that they are not having serious illnesses.
Also
, a growth in the number of elderly
people
 will mean an
increase
 in the demand for nurses specialized in older
people
 care, and
this
 will
increase
 job opportunities and even education.
For instance
, in the
last
 decades, many hospitals in the world started to look for more nurses that were specialized in taking care of older
people
.
People
 normally spend
time
 with their parents and family when they are children, and when they start to go to university they will leave their home and when they start to work, they have less
time
 to visit and be with their family.
Then
,
people
 living for longer
time
, are able to have more opportunities to see their family and spend more
time
 with them, since when they get older, they need care and love from others. A recent study concluded that when
people
 start getting old, is when they start to have more
time
 to be with their family. In conclusion, the increased life expectancy of individuals will
increase
 job opportunities and as well, allow
people
 to spend more
time
 with their families.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

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task response
The essay provides a partial response to the task. The introduction and conclusion are underdeveloped and lack clarity. More specific examples and a more thorough explanation of the effects of longer living are needed to fully address the task.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically organized but lacks clarity in the introduction and conclusion. The logical structure throughout the body paragraphs is mostly clear, with some room for improvement in transitioning between ideas.
lexical resource
The essay displays a sufficient range of vocabulary and uses a variety of cohesive devices to link ideas. However, there is a need for more precise and varied vocabulary to express ideas more accurately and naturally.
grammatical range
There are frequent grammatical errors throughout the essay, including sentence structure, subject-verb agreement, and word choice. To improve grammatical range, aim for more varied and complex sentence structures and more accurate word choices.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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