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Writing Samples
Band 6

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education in school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #healthcare #system #effort #health #education #school
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Obesity
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 is a rampant issue
that is
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 plaguing our society. There
had
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have
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 been numerous studies proving that
obesity
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 is the cause
for
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of
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 many health problems. I personally disagree with introducing more physical education in school. Looking into the weak correlation between a child's education and their health habits, we can deduce the real problem at hand, and I will discuss that in the following paragraphs. Globally,
obesity
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 is the cause of death for many people, and as of now, it is starting to become normalised.
Obesity
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 may extend to your loved ones including the elderly and
children
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. One solution might be to introduce physical education to put a stop to
this
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 problem, but
that is
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 not quite adequate. It is not as simple as adding additional weight to our future generations. Educating
children
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 may be very complicated indeed, and
that is
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 the reason that I disagree. Most
children
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 nowadays live a sedentary lifestyle,
such
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 as engaging in their social media applications or sitting at home all day playing video games.
That is
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 why
this
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 issue is much broader than just a school syllabus, but there is a solution to
this
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; we must first educate the parents about unhealthy habits and how to stop the
children
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's addiction to technology.
Then
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, educate the
children
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 about how to live a healthy lifestyle. In the end, stopping
obesity
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 surely is no simple task, but it will be something that we, as a society. must attempt to cease immediately. To save our future generations and lead them to a more fulfilling and healthier life, it is of paramount importance that we stand together and say no to sedentary lifestyles.
Submitted by mshary2 on

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Introduction & Conclusion
While your essay includes an introduction and conclusion, which are necessary components, you need to ensure that your introduction clearly presents the topic and your position. In your conclusion, aim to summarise your main points and restate your position clearly for impact.
Paragraphing & Linking
To improve coherence, paragraphs should have clear central ideas with supporting sentences that expand on those ideas. Be sure to use a variety of linking words effectively to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
Task Response
While you present a view on the topic, it is essential to offer a balanced approach to the argument, including more detailed reasons and examples to support your position. This ensures a complete response to the task.
Ideas Development
The ideas presented are somewhat general and lack depth. Aim to provide clear, comprehensive ideas that address the complexities of the topic, potentially including statistics, studies, or real-world examples that demonstrate a broader understanding of the issue.
Examples & Evidence
Your essay lacks specific examples to support the arguments made. To make your essay more persuasive, include relevant examples from credible sources or personal experiences. This specificity will help in illustrating your points more effectively and make your argument more convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Childhood obesity
  • Healthcare burden
  • Physical education (PE)
  • Healthy habits
  • Dietary education
  • Lifestyle diseases
  • Socio-economic factors
  • Curriculum overload
  • Inclusivity in education
  • Sedentary lifestyle
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