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Band 7.5

Some people think that celebrities deserve more privacy than they have. Do you agree?

#people #celebrities #privacy
These days, famous
people
 tend to have more freedom and privacy after being constantly hoarded by the paparazzi and reporters.
However
, some celebrities allow their secret information, lifestyle and gritty details to become generally known in order to seek a career in the public eye. I firmly believe that superstars may entail a need for extra safety and privacy for the purpose of not being chased down the streets by journalists or fans. Because journalists can go to extremes to get their perfect story by exaggerating some of the negatives about superstars. In the first place, the majority of
people
 become obsessed with their top-notch celebrities' performance, luxurious looks and net worth. But most famous
people
 are eager to keep their life in secret and are not willing to expose them to the public.
This
 is because haters or journalists may invade their private lives and even exploit them to gain fame. What is more, superstars may not show an interest in revealing personal information and lifestyle because of totally out-of-order questions they can get asked by reporters and an attitude problem of others.
Apart from
this
, they have the right to a day off alone after how much work they have done and how they have got a top place in
people
's hearts.
On the other hand
, losing touch with social media and
people
's attention can work to their advantage but there could be a sharp drop in income.
For instance
, online videos, room tours and personal interviews cost a lot and they can derive a lot of benefit from it. The more they spend time with their fans, the more they get the recognition they deserve.
Moreover
, spreading more information about their style can draw attention easily and assist in reaching a higher level of fame. All in all, it seems to me that privacy is way more crucial than popularity and it is better to keep their private life secret in order to not get any negative attention or psychological disorders.
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

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task achievement
While your essay presents a clear position throughout, it is important to delve deeper into concrete examples to better support your main points. The mention of celebrities being chased by journalists or suffering from negative attention and potential psychological disorders could be supported by specific, real-life instances or studies. This would illustrate your arguments more effectively and make them more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Your essay exhibits a structured approach with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Nonetheless, the flow between ideas can be enhanced. To achieve better cohesion, use a wider range of cohesive devices and ensure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. It's crucial to not only state your points but also to link them intelligently and seamlessly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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