IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Children at secondary school are often taken on visits to museums, zoo and concerts and sometimes even to other countries. What do you think the advantages and disadvantages of such visits are?

#children #school #visits #museums #zoo #concerts #countries
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
At present, with the improvement of education, a variety of
trips
 have been organized for secondary
school
students
 to places
such
 as museums, zoos, concerts, and even foreign countries are becoming more common than in the past. From my standpoint,
this
 could bring plenty of benefits but there are
also
 some drawbacks. Coming to the negative side, one of the inherent disadvantages is financial problems. We can easily see that these
trips
 usually cost a certain amount of money.
This
 can be paid normally for families with a stable income or well-off, but for poor families, it can be an obstacle. It can lead to self-embarrassed for those kids.
Furthermore
,
trips
 will often be organized on a large scale, possibly with the whole
school
 going together.
Therefore
, the most common mistake that can happen is
students
 losing their group when going sightseeing.
Trips
 often have self-sufficient time, which can
also
 lead to self-injury when
students
 freely play with each other without teacher supervision. On the positive side, there are many benefits that
students
 can get after these
trips
. The main benefit is the amount of knowledge that the
students
 gain.
For example
, when
students
 are taken to the war remnants museum, they can see and learn about real artefacts from the past, which contributes to creating interest in history.
This
 is much more interesting than the theoretical books in
school
. In the case of being taken to the zoo,
students
 are enabled to see a wide range of animals and find out details through daily activities and the behaviours of those species.
This
 is all practical knowledge, it can be receptive and
this
 is not as tedious or heavy going as learning biology at
school
.
Finally
, the most important thing is that
besides
 the knowledge, there are memorable experiences and memories with friends from my student days, these are all priceless things.
To conclude
, taking
students
 on
trips
 still has inherent drawbacks but I believe the positives outweigh the negatives.
Submitted by weezel on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that your essay follows a clear and logical structure. Transition sentences between paragraphs could be more smoothly integrated to enhance the overall flow of ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion
Develop ideas more fully. Supporting points with more illustrative and specific examples will strengthen the arguments and make the writing more persuasive.
Task Achievement
You addressed the task by presenting advantages and disadvantages and concluding with an opinion. For a higher score, consider providing a more well-rounded argument by discussing each point in greater depth.
Task Achievement
Clarify and elaborate on your ideas to ensure they are comprehensive. There's room for expansion in each paragraph to fully showcase your understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
Incorporate a wider range of specific examples and evidence to support your points; this could include statistics, real-life instances, or more detailed scenarios that highlight your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • broadens perspective
  • culture
  • curriculum
  • interactive
  • retain information
  • subject matter
  • promote
  • social skills
  • teamwork
  • communication
  • fosters
  • meticulously
  • safety risks
  • financial strain
  • disruptions
  • compression
  • exclude
What to do next:
Look at other essays: