Many young people are leaving their homes in rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
Some
youngster
have decided to leave Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
his
hometown in order Correct pronoun usage
their
of pursuing
Change preposition
to pursue
career
or Correct article usage
a career
education
in the big cities
. In my opinion, this
phenomenon may benefits
more for students and society which do outweigh the drawbacks. Change the verb form
benefit
This
essay will explain the reasons behind this
events.
Correct determiner usage
these
To begin
with, the big cities
are well known for it is stability of economy
and the good quality of public facilities. These factors become the main attractions for young Add an article
the economy
people
to come and make a living in the big cities
. The success stories from other counterparts also
being a motivation for high school graduates to follow similar steps. For instance
, in Indonesia happening
a trend of young Verb problem
apply
people
comes
to Jakarta which is the capital city with Wrong verb form
coming
purpose
Correct article usage
the purpose
to improve
their Change preposition
of improving
economical
status. Replace the word
economic
In addition
, the public facilities in Jakarta which more
modern compared to other regions Add a missing verb
are more
also
become attractions for them.
I believe that the movement from village to city is beneficial for both young people
and society. First,
Add an article
a youngster
the youngster
youngster
can Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
earned
more Change the verb form
earn
experiences
in Fix the agreement mistake
experience
big
Add an article
the big
a big
city
as they will Fix the agreement mistake
cities
with
Add a missing verb
be with
people
frome
diverse backgrounds. Having contacts with various Correct your spelling
from
profile
can open more Fix the agreement mistake
profiles
perspective
for them. Fix the agreement mistake
perspectives
Second,
young people
can have better access of
Change preposition
to
education
as big cities
provides
more libraries, art centre and Change the verb form
provide
sport
facilities. Change the noun form
sports
Third,
the
future career opportunities could Correct article usage
apply
also
become a considerations
as there are more jobs available.
Correct the article-noun agreement
consideration
However
, there also
several drawbacks Add a missing verb
are also
from
Change preposition
to
this
trend such
as the development of the village and the distribution of quality education
. Having more youngster
moving to Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
cities
may open gap
for Correct article usage
a gap
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
doesnt
follow Correct your spelling
doesn't
the
similar steps. On Correct article usage
apply
this
point, the government should take a part as facilitator
to bring Add an article
a facilitator
Add an article
the high
high quality
standard of Add a hyphen
high-quality
education
to villages and opens
many jobs with new Wrong verb form
open
investations
.
By way of conclusion, having analyzed both merits and demerits. I believe that we gain more beneficial impact rather than the negative consequence from allowing young Correct your spelling
infestations
investigations
people
moving
to big Change the verb form
to move
cities
.Submitted by ryanrush16 on
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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction and conclusion in your essay were present but could be more explicitly defined to effectively frame the content.
coherence cohesion
Maintain logical organization within and between paragraphs. Transitions between ideas can be improved for better flow and clarity.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of linking devices to clearly connect ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Fully address the task by discussing both reasons and the advantages and disadvantages thoroughly. Be sure that you cover all parts of the prompt.
task achievement
Develop your ideas fully to ensure clear and comprehensive explanations and arguments, supported by relevant details and examples.
task achievement
Make use of more specific examples to support your points. The examples provided lack depth, and the argument could benefit from real-life instances or statistics.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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