IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Government give lots of support to artists, even though some people believe it is a waste of money that could have been spent better elsewhere. Discuss both the views and give your opinion

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The interest in investing in certain areas
such
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 as actors and singers these days is becoming a topic of concern to a number of people. Millions are being invested in these subjects rather than spending it on essential sectors
such
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 as medical care or education. The question is: are there any benefits of
such
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 practices? I believe that countries should focus on decreasing the funding to the entertainment sector
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however
Rephrase
apply
show examples
not eliminating it. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both views and I will shed light on my opinion. Some people argue that each
country
Use synonyms
 should show an interest in entertainment as it is a part of the crucial aspects. Investing millions in
such
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 a topic will lead to an increase in revenues. Let's take Riyadh season as an example. Since the authorities decide to implement a specific budget for it and show interest in actors and artists the
country
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 is not depending on limited sources of income as before.
This
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 diversity in the income sources had more benefits to the economy.
On the other hand
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, it has been claimed that some sectors
such
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 as medical care, agriculture, and education ... etc are more important than the previous division. Spending money on enhancing them can lead to better services.
For instance
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, developing scholarships in various unavailable subjects inside the
country
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 will be more beneficial. The more the diversity of majors, the more the civilization in the
country
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. In return, the economy of the
country
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 will be improved. In my opinion, I believe finding a balance between these two areas will be more beneficial for the nation
moreover
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 the governments as well. No one can
deney
Correct your spelling
deny
 that in
this
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 age and during the huge use of digital platforms the role of artists either singers or actors is bigger than before as huge investments are being implemented in entertainment
such
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 as cinemas which will bring a lot of revenue and will aid in improving the other important sectors of the
country
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.
To conclude
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, finding that area of balance and making clear financial plans to divide the budget will have more benefits than drawbacks.
Finally
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, supporting the artists should not overwhelm supporting the more important jobs.

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coherence cohesion
It's crucial to ensure that the essay maintains a logical flow and that the paragraphs transition smoothly from one to the next. Consider using a wider range of linking phrases and organizational patterns to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to present a clear introduction and conclusion. The introduction could be enhanced by clearly stating the main topic and the writer's opinion, while the conclusion should summarize the points made without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
When supporting the main points, strive to use a variety of examples and evidence. While you provided some examples, more specific and varied illustrations would increase the strength of your arguments and the essay's impact.
task achievement
Make sure you address all parts of the task. Your response is satisfactorily complete, but further exploration of the views and a more explicit statement of your own opinion would make the essay fully accomplish the task at hand.
task achievement
To enhance the clarity and depth of your ideas, try to explain and develop each point more fully. This will result in a more comprehensive and convincing argument, which will reflect positively in the coherence of the essay.
task achievement
Include relevant and specific examples to support your points throughout the essay. Doing this effectively can demonstrate an ability to apply abstract ideas to real-world situations, which can help to fulfill the task's requirements more comprehensively.
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