IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned. Others, however, think the people should have freedom to choose sports activities. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Today,
people
Use synonyms
 have different views on should dangerous
sports
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 be banned.
While
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 unsafe
sports
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 could bring serious risks or accidents to
people
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, I think that freedom is
also
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 a part of
people
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’s lives. On the one hand, there are several reasons why someone thinks hazardous
sports
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 cannot be acceptable. Some extreme exercises like skiing, bungee jumping and free rock climbing can bring a high risk of accidental, sometimes causing the death of
people
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. The main responsibility of society is to keep citizens safe. If dangerous behaviour is acceptable in public, it may increase the public healthcare resources and
also
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 it will cause financial and emotional stress to a family.
Additionally
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, the forbiddance of
sports
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 can avoid unnecessary events for the citizens and reduce the tragedy in the world.
On the other hand
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, the freedom of
people
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 to choose any
exercise
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 they wish to do is
also
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 essential. Extreme
exercise
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 can improve the confidence and satisfaction of
people
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,
for example
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, if a person reaches the peak of a mountain, he will feel very successful, which helps him to release stress and escape the reality of life.
In addition
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, some
sports
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also
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 could enhance the spirit of teamwork,
otherwise
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, if these
sports
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 are banned by the government, it may lead to less enthusiasm in
people
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 to their lives.
Moreover
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, each person has their own lifestyle, including how to play,
exercise
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 or have fun. If they wish to afford the dangers brought by the
exercise
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,
therefore
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 government shouldn’t interfere with their being. In conclusion, in my opinion, I would like to mention that
while
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 the dangers of
exercise
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 can bring accidents, forbiddance of all extreme activities may not be a better solution for these.
By contrast
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, I believe that safety education and strict safety standards can reduce the risks, we need to respect the freedom of choice of individuals. To balance both of these views can satisfy the various needs of society.

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task achievement
Make sure to avoid minor grammatical mistakes and typos, such as 'should' instead of 'should be' in the introduction.
task achievement
Enhance your argument with more specific examples and evidence to further strengthen your points. This will provide a clearer and more comprehensive response.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each idea is developed within its own paragraph to improve clarity and coherence. For example, separating the points about confidence-building, teamwork, and freedom into distinct paragraphs could help.
coherence and cohesion
Check for any repetitive phrases or ideas that could be streamlined or combined to enhance readability. Reiterations should be minimized.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is structured well with an evident introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This helps in maintaining a logical flow of thoughts.
task achievement
You have effectively presented both sides of the argument and provided your own opinion, which demonstrates a complete response to the task.
task achievement
The main points are supported with relevant examples, like the reference to specific sports and their benefits. This adds depth to your discussion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • prohibit
  • autonomy
  • adrenaline rush
  • resilience
  • subjective
  • informed decision
  • extreme sports
  • hazardous
  • regulation
  • legislation
  • thrill-seeking
  • risk assessment
  • safety measures
  • protective gear
  • inherent risks
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