IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people nowadays spend a large part of their free time using a smartphone. What do you think are the reason for this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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It is said that these days, several individuals spend a sizeable amount of their spare
time
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 on their smartphones. I think that a lack of public awareness and having a hectic schedule are the main reasons for the present situation.
Moreover
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, in my opinion, the negative effects of
this
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 behaviour can override its positives. It is my view that nowadays most
people
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 utilize social media and online platforms to keep in touch with their families and friends.
People
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 have a tight schedule and they have to meet several deadlines;
therefore
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, they are willing to have a virtual relationship in their free
time
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instead
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 of face-to-face meetings, which can be problematic
due to
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 traffic jams in our modern lives.
In other words
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,
people
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 prefer to have virtual communication because it is more convenient and
time
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-saving. Another reason is the fact that most
people
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 are oblivious to the health risks of spending too much
time
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 on
such
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 digital devices. In
this
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 regard, research findings confirm that these
people
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 are more likely to suffer from depression as they compare their lives with others. Were persons aware of the issues that they will face, they could think twice and change their minds. I
further
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 believe that excessive use of smartphones, which is common nowadays, can lead to several problems.
Firstly
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, if
people
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 indulge in
such
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 technology, it may lead to a sedentary lifestyle and obesity. Obesity is the main cause of heart attacks.
Although
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 cell phones are an integral part of our modern lifestyle, we should not replace doing exercise in our spare
time
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 with playing or chatting with them.
For instance
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, my brother, who had been using his tablet too much, suffers from spinal problems.
Conversely
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,
people
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 should be encouraged to work out or spend some quality
time
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 with their families, which offers numerous benefits,
such
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 as creating a close-knit family.
To conclude
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, in my perspective, individuals' awareness about the consequences of their behaviour and their heavy workloads plays a significant role in dedicating a large part of their free
time
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 to smartphones.
Furthermore
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, these kinds of activities can lead to serious health issues.

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Task Achievement
The essay's introduction could provide clearer background information. Aim to paraphrase the statement and explicitly answer the question by outlining the reasons and stating the development as positive or negative.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is elaborated upon. While you do mention reasons and consequences in separate paragraphs, the linkage between them could be made clearer.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a variety of cohesive devices, but be mindful of their correct usage and avoid overusing them. The essay occasionally has repetitious language and lacks sophisticated conjunctions.
Task Achievement
Develop your ideas more fully by including more specific examples. While you have mentioned a personal example regarding your brother, broader societal examples could enhance your arguments.
Task Achievement
The conclusion summarises the main points effectively, but you should ensure that you emphasize your stance clearly in regard to the development being positive or negative.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on the sentence variety in your essay. While you have complex sentences, there are opportunities to use a wider range of structures to enhance the readability of your text.
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