IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In some counties young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies

#counties #people #leisure #time #pressure #work #studies
Nowadays , youngsters have a sedentary lifestyle
due to
 their lack of
time
 to rest even to play with their friends.
Moreover
, the school duties from
time
 to
time
 put them under a lot of pressure. I strongly believe that
this
 case is caused by parental pressure and
university
competition
. In some countries,
parents
 bring pressure into their
children
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
because they demand them to pursue a successful career.
For example
,
parents
 will put
children
 into many courses that are relevant to their studies.
Parents
 will try to keep them busy with their studying for the sake of their own future.
Therefore
, there is no free
time
 for young people to enjoy their life. On the one hand,
university
competition
 forces students to study much harder since the
university
 accepts students who have higher scores. It creates high-level
competition
 among others.
Moreover
, all universities have standards as a requirement.
Accordingly
, young people should make good preparation.
Consequently
, sometimes it makes youngsters depressed or even suicidal.
As a result
, the best solution to these problems is the awareness of
parents
. They should understand the
children
's condition, and realise that their actions can cause stress among the
children
.
Additionally
, the
university
 case needs to be overtaken. The government should expand the number of grants and universities.
Thus
, that would reduce the
competition
 level and young people would
then
 have spare
time
 to enjoy their life.
To sum up
 , I think that understanding between
parents
 and
children
 will bring a beautiful balance followed by support from the government.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure to provide a clear and distinct introduction. While an introduction is present, enhancing clarity and explicitly outlining the main points will greatly benefit the reader's comprehension.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from more varied and complex sentence structures. Aim to enhance logical structure by using a wider range of cohesive devices. This will improve the flow and clarity of points being made.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points further with more detailed support and explanation. Include more relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments and make your points more persuasive.
task achievement
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task achievement
Offer clear and comprehensive ideas by expanding each point with thorough explanation and rationale. This will help in meeting the task requirements more efficiently.
task achievement
Integrate specific, relevant examples to substantiate the ideas presented. These examples should closely support the argument and be clearly linked to the main points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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