IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some counties young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies

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Nowadays , youngsters have a sedentary lifestyle
due to
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 their lack of
time
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 to rest even to play with their friends.
Moreover
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, the school duties from
time
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 to
time
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 put them under a lot of pressure. I strongly believe that
this
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 case is caused by parental pressure and
university
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competition
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. In some countries,
parents
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 bring pressure into their
children
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's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
because they demand them to pursue a successful career.
For example
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,
parents
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 will put
children
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 into many courses that are relevant to their studies.
Parents
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 will try to keep them busy with their studying for the sake of their own future.
Therefore
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, there is no free
time
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 for young people to enjoy their life. On the one hand,
university
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competition
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 forces students to study much harder since the
university
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 accepts students who have higher scores. It creates high-level
competition
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 among others.
Moreover
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, all universities have standards as a requirement.
Accordingly
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, young people should make good preparation.
Consequently
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, sometimes it makes youngsters depressed or even suicidal.
As a result
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, the best solution to these problems is the awareness of
parents
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. They should understand the
children
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's condition, and realise that their actions can cause stress among the
children
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.
Additionally
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, the
university
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 case needs to be overtaken. The government should expand the number of grants and universities.
Thus
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, that would reduce the
competition
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 level and young people would
then
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 have spare
time
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 to enjoy their life.
To sum up
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 , I think that understanding between
parents
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 and
children
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 will bring a beautiful balance followed by support from the government.

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coherence cohesion
Make sure to provide a clear and distinct introduction. While an introduction is present, enhancing clarity and explicitly outlining the main points will greatly benefit the reader's comprehension.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from more varied and complex sentence structures. Aim to enhance logical structure by using a wider range of cohesive devices. This will improve the flow and clarity of points being made.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points further with more detailed support and explanation. Include more relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments and make your points more persuasive.
task achievement
Ensure that the response fully addresses all parts of the task. While the essay does address the topic, deepening the analysis to cover the issue more comprehensively will improve the score.
task achievement
Offer clear and comprehensive ideas by expanding each point with thorough explanation and rationale. This will help in meeting the task requirements more efficiently.
task achievement
Integrate specific, relevant examples to substantiate the ideas presented. These examples should closely support the argument and be clearly linked to the main points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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