IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In many countries, traditional values are increasingly eroded as societies embrace modernization and globalization. Some argue that this shift is beneficial, bringing about progress and improved living standards. Others, however, contend that it threatens the cultural fabric of communities and leads to the loss of important societal norms. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Nowadays, in some nations, the cultures are replaced by modernization and globalization societies. People believe that
this
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 is advantageous and gives them progress and increases the high-quality standard. Some individuals think that it can be a threat to the cultural fabric of human beings and brings to the lack of valuable societal manners. The following essay will discuss both points of view and present my point of view. On one hand, it is undeniable that traditional values are eroded by improvement and development will give progress and improved living standards. Many communities tend to be a practice and economist in order to follow the modernization.
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, a conventional conversation can be replaced by using a mobile phone to communicate with friends, families or colleagues.
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, mobile phone is the best solution to keep communicating in a faster and easier way.
On the other hand
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, some folk believe that reconstruction and extension will threaten the cultural fabric of communities and lead to the loss of important societal rules. It can be seen from the way of communication when some individuals lack respect to talk face to face with someone.
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, we can see in cafes that two people sit together but they are too busy with their phones.
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, those communities lack respect and they lose important societal patterns. In conclusion,
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 the benefits of alteration and maturation, particularly the mobile phone, allow people to keep connecting, some believe that the public should be aware of
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 new phenomenon and not allow it to replace face-to-face communication to keep in society benchmark.
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, as long as we keep the value of societal measures in mind, the rearrangement and proliferation effects are undeniably favourable.

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task achievement
Your essay generally addresses the question, but your response lacks depth and detailed examples in exploring both views. The introduction sets a clear direction for the response, yet further development in your arguments with more specific examples and a clear personal stance would enhance the effectiveness of your argument. Try to illustrate your ideas with clear, relevant examples to support each view.
coherence cohesion
While you have an identifiable structure and progression in your essay, transitions between ideas could be smoother, and the central idea in each paragraph could be made clearer. Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be more impactful with clear thesis statements and a decisive conclusion that reflects your personal viewpoint. Strive for a logical progression of ideas and ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that is subsequently developed.
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