IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

At present time the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
As can be seen, nowadays adults comprise a vast majority of the population compared to the elderly in many regions, which has triggered an untold amount of debate among various folks. In the upcoming paragraphs, both sides of
this
 trend will be discussed. To commence with, there are certainly enormous benefits to the above-mentioned scenario. Not only adolescents are considered as potential workforces, but
also
 newly young graduates are remarkably more updated in terms of science and work knowledge.
This
 would probably force them to be more creative,
hence
 job descriptions could be done more easily.
For instance
, a Gen Z who studied computer science would develop software more accurately compared to the elderly.
Furthermore
, undoubtedly, the availability of teenagers would give a hand to governments to eliminate the demand for attracting skilled worker immigrants.
According to
 Forbes, countries
such
 as Canada are significantly struggling with the increasing inflation
rate
 that occurred
due to
 the staggering amount of skilled worker immigrants.
On the other hand
, the demerits,
nonetheless
, shall be expressed in the following cases, with the growing of the young population, rising the employment
rate
 is inevitable. the adults need to be occupied, which requires severe job opportunities, which can not be handled in the short-term,
as a result
, the unemployment
rate
 rises. A recent research survey in my country where the proportion of adults is approximately 15% greater than the elderly, suggests that the unemployment
rate
 reached a peak within the past five years. All summed up, given the scenario above, everything can be recapitulated into the fact that the disadvantages are outnumbered by the advantages.
Submitted by maryam.niknamm on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Consider providing a more cohesive introduction clearly stating the advantages and disadvantages that will be discussed. This sets a clearer roadmap of what to expect in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear central idea which is elaborately discussed and connected to the overall topic.
coherence cohesion
Introduce a conclusion that does not just summarize, but also unequivocally states your final standpoint, providing a closure to the discussion.
task achievement
Ensure the response fully addresses all parts of the task. The discussion of advantages and disadvantages needs to be more balanced and comprehensive.
task achievement
Develop clear and comprehensive ideas by expanding on the points with detailed explanations and ensuring that they are relevant to the key question of whether advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
task achievement
Use specific examples that are directly relevant and supportive of the points made. Avoid ambiguity and provide concrete evidence or situations to illustrate your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
Look at other essays: