IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that students should be free to choose what they study in the university. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #students #study #university
Tertiary education is given a huge press. Nowadays, one of the most controversial subjects that made disparate controversies is
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the role of pupils in choosing their major. Some people believe that students
whould
Correct your spelling
would
should
 be free to opt
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
 favorable major, but another group reckon we should not let juveniles
opting
Wrong verb form
opt for
show examples
 a wrong decision when they are not utterly aware. I strongly believe that students should make
this
desicion
Correct your spelling
decision
 by themselves.
Initially
, it is clearly evident that we cannot underestimate the power of interest. When a freshman
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not like his major at the university, he obviously will not be able to continue his education and become even a sophomore student.
For instance
, these days students who alter their university or major are
ubiqutious
Correct your spelling
ubiquitous
. Not only they do not have an aim for their future, but
also
 they feel frustrated. Addiction to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
drug
Fix the agreement mistake
drugs
show examples
 or
cigarette
Fix the agreement mistake
cigarettes
show examples
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
other result
Change the wording
another result
other results
show examples
 of
this
 situation.
Consequently
, it is unwise to restrict
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation from free will.
Secondly
,
however
Add the comma(s)
however,
show examples
 some parts of society assume that a teenager is not mature enough to make a concrete
desicion
Correct your spelling
decision
 for himself, the new generation
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more aware
toward
Change preposition
of
show examples
new
Correct article usage
the new
show examples
 world and they are ready for every bump on their life's road.
Moreover
, the new generation who are called
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
technological natives can recognize the pivotal roles of higher education in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. Despite some crowd might assume that they are always wasting their time on the internet,
on the contrary
, they are using the internet better than us.
Consequently
, taking all the instances into consideration, we can understand that we have to give freedom to the pupils because they are in charge of their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Overall
, it is crystal clear that in spite of all arguments over choosing what to study in the university, the best people for making
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
 are the offspring.
Submitted by tg.persian on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Your introduction and conclusion were present, but they could be more distinct and better developed. Consider using a clearer thesis statement in your introduction and summarize the main points more effectively in your conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay exhibits a basic logical structure, but it would benefit from more effective paragraphing and better linkage between ideas. Aim to use a wider range of linking words and phrases, and ensure that the progression of ideas from one paragraph to the next is smooth and logical.
coherence cohesion
You have provided some main points to support your argument; however, these need to be expanded with clearer explanations and more relevant examples. Some statements are quite generalized or lack a clear connection to the prompt. Always back up your arguments with concrete details.
task achievement
You have attempted to address the prompt by providing an opinion and presenting a few ideas related to the topic; however, your response lacks development and depth. To enhance your task achievement score, fully develop your ideas, provide comprehensive insights, and ensure that the response answers all parts of the question in a more thorough manner.
task achievement
The clarity of your ideas could be improved. While you have stated an opinion, it is not always expressed with complete clarity, and at times the reader must work to understand your points. Practice expressing your ideas in a straightforward and precise manner.
task achievement
You included examples, but they were somewhat generic or not entirely relevant. Try to use specific examples that directly support and illustrate the points you are making. It is important that the examples are clearly linked to your argument and that they enhance the reader's understanding of your ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • academic freedom
  • curriculum personalization
  • career prospects
  • market saturation
  • interdisciplinary approach
  • critical thinking
  • academic counseling
  • informed decision-making
  • holistic education
  • oversaturation
  • underrepresentation
What to do next:
Look at other essays: