some children spend a long time each day on their smartphones. why is this? is this a positive or negative development?
some juveniles spend a long time each day on their mobile phones.
this
is because video streaming apps are so entertaining, but this
can have negative effects since it distract children from the
family life.
minors love using mobile devices, Correct article usage
apply
one
of them is streaming apps. Correct word choice
and one
This
services have many entertaining features. Change the determiner
These
this
means they have endless opportunities to enjoy themselves all day by watching new shows and entertainment without thinking. for examples
, Netflix and Fix the agreement mistake
example
Youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
provides
shows that Change the verb form
provide
aimed
Add a missing verb
are aimed
children
, with tempting and colourful Change preposition
at children
design
for kids so they will always click Next Show/Next Videos after Fix the agreement mistake
designs
finish
one.
despite mobiles being enjoyable for kids, Change the verb form
finishing
this
essay believes it
should be viewed negatively since Correct pronoun usage
they
its
bad impact on family Correct pronoun usage
their
relationship
. being around family teaches Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
child
to learn about respect, Fix the agreement mistake
children
manner
, and how to treat others. if young ones Fix the agreement mistake
manners
missed
Wrong verb form
miss
this
opportunity in early life, it would effect
how they grow up, Correct your spelling
affect
instead
of learning about norms in society, they could mimics
Change the verb form
mimic
bad
habits of Correct article usage
the bad
youtubers
Correct your spelling
YouTubers
since
a very young age. Change preposition
from
for example
, the famous Youtuber
Awkarin likes to swear, promoting drinking, and nightlife.
in conclusion, Correct your spelling
YouTuber
videos
streaming on mobile phones Fix the agreement mistake
video
are
tempting for children but it could affect parent and sibling Correct subject-verb agreement
is
relationship
, Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
even
Correct word choice
and even
promotes
harmful Correct subject-verb agreement
promote
practice
. Fix the agreement mistake
practices
However
, parents could mitigate this
effect by implementing screen time on their son or daughter.Submitted by periset on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
You should articulate a clear opinion throughout your essay, ensuring that you respond to both parts of the question equally. This will enhance the completeness of your response.
coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear introductory paragraph that sets the context and includes a clear thesis statement. Remember to include an introductory statement and a conclusion to satisfy the structure requirements of the essay.
coherence cohesion
It is important to develop your main points with a clearer focus on the topic. Each paragraph should contain a main idea, supported by relevant arguments and examples. Work on expanding your ideas and connecting your points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing to structure your arguments in a more organized manner. This will improve the overall logical progression and readability of your essay.
task achievement
Be mindful of the register and tone suitable for an academic essay. Avoid overly colloquial language or slang, and maintain a formal style throughout.
task achievement
Ensure that you provide specific examples to substantiate your main points. While you have provided some examples, developing them further can strengthen your argument and clarify your position.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and range in your writing. Work on sentence structure, appropriate use of tenses, and avoiding repetitive vocabulary.
coherence cohesion
Review and proofread your essay to avoid spelling errors and informal language, which can detract from the academic quality of your writing.
task achievement
Your conclusion should restate your main points and clearly reflect on the overall discussion in your essay. Make sure to provide a definitive statement that encapsulates your argument regarding the topic's impact.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.