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Band 5

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#people #health #alternative #medicines #treatments #doctor #development
In recent years, number of patients who rely on their own medical knowledge for treating
disease
 is growing rapidly.
This phenomena
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This phenomenon
These phenomena
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 not only is not considered
as
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apply
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a positive development but
also
 can affect
individuals
Change noun form
individuals'
individual's
show examples
 general health harmfully. There are some reasons for
this
 notion and
following
Correct article usage
the following
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 essay will discuss it.
To begin
 with, sometimes the first symptoms of a
disease
 would not illustrate the exact
problem
 and it may progress too fast to an extreme level.
Therefore
, if people do not visit a specialist
for diagnosing
Change preposition
to diagnose
show examples
 their
disease
, the result would be catastrophic. Because, in most cases, distinguishing the exact illness
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
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 the treatment procedure significantly.
For instance
, during the onset of
Covid-19
Correct your spelling
COVID-19
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, people who were involved in Corona
virous
Correct your spelling
virus
various
 had
a
Correct article usage
apply
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usual cold
symptom
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symptoms
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,
such
 as sneezing and
headache
Fix the agreement mistake
headaches
show examples
, in
first
Correct article usage
the first
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 days.
However
, after some days breathing
problem
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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appeared which was a sign of lung involvement.
Thus
, if they had not paid attention to it seriously and just had regular cold medicines, it would result in death.
Secondly
, the symptoms of a serious health
problem
 are not obvious always
which
Correct word choice
and
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 a misunderstanding may occur for
patient
Add an article
the patient
a patient
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. Because
,
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apply
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 ordinary people are not aware of their physical anatomy exactly.
For example
, a sick person with
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
constant pain
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their back for a long time may use backache painkillers
while
main
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the main
show examples
problem
 can be
a
Remove the article
apply
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heart
disease
.
Consequently
, they will face
a
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apply
show examples
high blood pressure since the heart is not able to pump the blood easily. In
this
 case, the heart
problem
 is in a chronic phase and rarely is curable completely.
To conclude
, As the first symptoms of an illness are not reliable enough for finding a beneficial treatment and individuals may get the right source of pain wrongly, trying alternative medicines would be a fruitless exercise and worsen the issue in some cases.
Therefore
, in my perspective, it is considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a negative development.
Submitted by s.hemmati.p on

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Task Achievement
Your essay partially addresses the prompt; however, you must ensure that you address the positives as well as the negatives as the question asks for both. You presented quite a one-sided argument. Additionally, the essay requires a clearer position throughout and a restatement of this position in the conclusion for full task achievement.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay displays an overall logical structure, however, paragraphing could be improved to better showcase the main ideas. Transitions between ideas need to be smoother, and you should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence. To improve cohesion, linking words should be used more effectively to indicate the connections between ideas.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
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