IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2

in today's world many people own a smartphone. do you think the advantages of owning a smartphone outweigh the disadvantages

#world #people #smartphone
In
Correct article usage
the digital’s
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digital’s
Change noun form
digital
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area
Add a comma
area,
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smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
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 is used by a lot of people in the world. In
this
 essay, the writer strongly thinks that owning a mobile
phone
 will have more drawbacks than benefits. The biggest benefit of owning a
phone
 is the convenience. To explain it
further
, a
smartphone
 is created to provide users
lots
Change preposition
with lots
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 of
service
Change to a plural noun
services
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such
doing
Change preposition
as doing
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 information research,
Correct word choice
and entertaining
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entertaining
Replace the word
entertainment
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.
For example
, people on over the world use
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
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 to update the latest news everywhere having internet.
On the other hand
, being so dependent on mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 will be the biggest drawback. In more detail,
mobile
Add an article
the mobile
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phone
 creates
bad
Add an article
a bad
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habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
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to
Change preposition
for
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 the user.
Thus
,
this
lead
Replace the word
led
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 to the addiction
in
Change preposition
to
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 mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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.
In addition
, our health is influenced by
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology. The screen from
smartphone
Correct article usage
the smartphone
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 has
blue
Add an article
a blue
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 screen which
decreased
Wrong verb form
decreases
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 visual acuity. Taking children in Vietnam as a prime example, most of them who go to the optician’s for
eyes
Fix the agreement mistake
eye
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 testing
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 addicted to mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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.
To conclude
, in the modern
day
Add a comma
day,
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 everyone has a
smartphone
.
Although
 having convenient
assistances
Fix the agreement mistake
assistance
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 in our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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, it has a big drawback on our health and
making
Wrong verb form
makes
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 us depend on them.

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Coherence & Cohesion
The essay lacks a clear logical structure, as it does not have a clear progression of ideas. To improve, ensure that your paragraphs follow a logical order and that ideas transition smoothly from one to the next. Use cohesive devices and topic sentences to guide the reader and enhance the flow of information.
Task Achievement
The response only somewhat addresses the task, but with a bias towards the drawbacks. To score higher on Task Achievement, it is crucial to address both the advantages and disadvantages more evenly. Develop both sides of the argument fully and provide a balanced conclusion that reflects this. Furthermore, ensure that the essay directly answers the question, keeping in mind that the prompt asks whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • instant access
  • real-time updates
  • portable offices
  • emergency services
  • social media
  • navigation
  • cybersecurity
  • screen time
  • digital detox
  • environmental footprint
What to do next:
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