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Band 7.5

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Recently, an increasing number of
people
Use synonyms
 from rural regions are migrating to urban areas and leaving the countryside with a declining population. I firmly believe it is a negative development which can lead to an escalated unemployment rate and potential environmental impacts. One serious problem that may arise from urbanisation is the worsening number of unemployed inhabitants. Looking for a career is one primary motive for migrating;
however
Linking Words
, only a few consider the competition with existing populations and available opportunities.
As a result
Linking Words
, these
people
Use synonyms
 are left unemployed for a long time
due to
Linking Words
 job scarcity. Jakarta,
for example
Linking Words
, is one of the regions in Indonesia with the highest employment rate owing to citizens from rural-dominated provinces arriving for jobs, whilst many of the current populations are
also
Linking Words
 still jobless. Another issue is that urbanisation potentially harms the environment. With
people
Use synonyms
 moving to settle in cities for good, more open green spaces utilised for eco-parks to filter carbon emissions will decrease as residential areas will replace them.
Moreover
Linking Words
, insufficient public transportation may arise as a new issue, and
people
Use synonyms
 will drive their private vehicles, leading to higher traffic congestion.
For instance
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, many commuter trains and public buses in Jakarta are always overcapacity on business days, even outside rush hours.
As a result
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,
people
Use synonyms
 in Jakarta think it is better to have private vehicles
such
Linking Words
 as motorcycles or cars that contribute nothing but more traffic. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 moving to cities might grant
people
Use synonyms
 from the countryside opportunities to build their careers, it is generally a negative trend as it may lead to more jobless citizens and harmful environmental effects.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear overall progression and that your ideas flow logically from one to another. Make use of a range of cohesive devices to help provide a seamless connection between ideas and paragraphs.
Coherence & Cohesion
Structure your main body paragraphs effectively, with each one presenting a central idea that relates back to the topic and your thesis statement. Develop each paragraph fully with explanations and examples.
Task Achievement
Address all parts of the task by providing a clear and relevant response to the prompt. Your introduction should set the foundation for the essay, and the conclusion must effectively summarize your points without introducing new information.
Task Achievement
Be sure to provide a clear position throughout the response, and support your ideas with evidence or examples. This will greatly aid in enhancing the clarity and depth of your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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