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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Regarding how to be successful, hard work and determination are regarded as an essential route of success,while some individuals contend that factors such as wealth and physical appearance are more influential. This essay will attempt to explain both views and why I believe that the factors are more effective for success.

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Regarding how to be successful, hard work and determination are regarded as an essential route to
success
Use synonyms
,
while
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 some individuals contend that factors
such
Linking Words
 as wealth and physical appearance are more influential.
This
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 essay will attempt to explain both views and why I believe that the factors are more effective for
success
Use synonyms
. First of all, some
people
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 support that humans can develop their lives through striving for income and positions in society.
Subsequently
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, they will not only have a high quality of life but
also
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 be regarded as successful men.
For example
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, over 43% of doctors, who are thought to have an ideal career in Taiwan, grew up in a poor family, but they never gave up and spent a lot of time improving themselves when they were young.
Therefore
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, they achieve significant accomplishments nowadays. In short, it is useful for
people
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 to work hard and persist.
On the other hand
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, sometimes, factors
such
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 as wealth and physical appearance are seen as the most vital points that cause
people
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’s achievements.
Thus
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,
people
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 lose their motivation and energy to pursue
success
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.
According to
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 the report released in the EU in 2022, 69% of teenagers’ attitudes toward their jobs are called quiet-quitting because they think they can not change their situation without excellent talents or a perfect background. In brief,
this
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 attitude of life makes
people
Use synonyms
 passive. In conclusion, it is controversial between the reasons which are more efficient for
success
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. As far as I am concerned, wealth is the most important advantage which leads
people
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 to become successful, especially in recent years because investing money can recruit mentors,
collect
Correct word choice
and collect
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 knowledge more efficiently.
Hence
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, the
people
Use synonyms
 who have a lot of money would have more opportunities to succeed.

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task achievement
While your essay presents a clear position and addresses the task, you should ensure that your conclusion accurately reflects the position you claimed would be elaborated upon initially. The initial statements suggest you will argue for the benefits of a set of factors over hard work and perseverance, yet your conclusion appears to side with wealth, which is somewhat confusing.
coherence cohesion
You have used a range of cohesive devices and paragraphing effectively. However, occasionally your ideas could be expanded with clearer topic sentences that introduce what the paragraph will discuss, improving the logical flow. Additionally, the strength of your arguments can be further enhanced through the use of more sophisticated linking words and a clearer distinction between the different views presented.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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