IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people suggest that the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #price #foods
In
this
 contemporary society, obesity is considered a global issue because of its consequences among all age groups. A large section of society claims a rise in the cost of junk food should solve
this
 concern.
This
 essay supports the assertion to a major extent despite some reasons
such
 as
due to
 a busy schedule.
To begin
 with, increasing the price of fattening cooking can discourage individuals from purchasing the product, and
as a result
,
this
 can reduce consumption.
This
 means that it could contribute to weight management and improve
overall
 health initiatives. The best illustration as educational campaigns and fitness programs can help people maintain their fitness
as well as
 diet and
also
 address the issue of junk feed roots. Probing ahead, having knowledge of nutrition is important for individuals to differentiate between healthy meals and foodstuffs that are high in fat. Another perspective is, home home-cooked food is valuable. In today's fast-paced world, the community often do not have the time or energy to cook at home and prefers to grab meals from outside.
However
,
this
 can lead to health issues, including obesity. Fast snacks and other take-out options may be convenient, but they are often high in calories, unhealthy fats, and added sugars.
For instance
, doctors always restrict the nation from consuming foods that contain fat in order to maintain good well-being and
also
 encourage the public to focus on consuming a balanced and nutritious diet.
To conclude
, Rising rates of fattening foods can influence individuals to consume more home-cooked meals, which are typically more nutritious. I believe that the aforementioned points support the viewpoint.
Submitted by shubhashish.bobby on

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Introduction/Conclusion
While the essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, it would benefit from stronger paraphrasing of the question statement and a more focused thesis statement that directly addresses the prompt.
Main Points Development
Ensure main points are explicitly supported by specific examples or data. General statements should be minimized and the focus should be on substantiating claims with concrete evidence or reasoning.
Coherence
There is a reasonable attempt to develop a coherent argument, but the essay sometimes jumps from one idea to another without clear logical connectors or transition phrases. Use cohesive devices to more effectively guide the reader through your argument.
Task Response
Attempt to provide a more comprehensive response that addresses all parts of the task. While the essay discusses the issue of obesity and touches upon possible solutions, it is somewhat general and lacks a detailed examination of the implications of increasing the price of fattening foods.
Cohesion
The essay does well in organizing paragraphs and presenting a clear progression of ideas. However, to reach a higher score, work on enhancing the internal structure of paragraphs to ensure each has a clear central idea and appropriate supporting sentences.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
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