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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some school leavers choose to travel or work for a year before going to university. What might be the reasons for this? What are the disadvantages of this practice? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

Nowadays, there are a number of
shcool
Correct your spelling
school
 leavers who tend to get into
a
Remove the article
work
a job
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 and decide to travel. I think their attraction
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 is
beacause
Correct your spelling
because
 of the financial issues they face, gaining skills and
on the other hand
Linking Words
 the reason behind
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 is bringing refreshment to their mind.
Moreover
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, the essay explores the reason and the negative outcome of
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 activities.
To begin
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 with, in
tems
Correct your spelling
terms
 of forcing themselves to
work
Use synonyms
, most of the
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 the reason is lack of money. There are so many students who cannot afford the
tution
Correct your spelling
tuition
 fees of
university
Use synonyms
,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 makes them feel
doing
Change preposition
like doing
show examples
 something
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
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.
For example
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, I used to do tutoring after I left my school. I used to teach 3 students so that I
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 earn
somthing
Correct your spelling
something
 and I used to save them for my
university
Use synonyms
tution
Correct your spelling
tuition
 fee. I determined to do
this
Linking Words
beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
 things had been very tight at that time for my family, I just wanted to assist them by providing them with some money.
Furthermore
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,
work
Use synonyms
 helps people to
aquire
Correct your spelling
acquire
 experience and skills. When we do
work
Use synonyms
, we get to learn a lot of things
due to
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be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
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 new environment and that helps to enhance our skills that ensure our good career.
Secondly
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, when we travel, we feel very good and refreshed inside. A fresh mind and good health aids to do anything in a proper manner.
Moreover
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, they want to spend some quality
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 with their friends or in nature before the new
begining
Correct your spelling
beginning
 so that they can be ready to handle the pressure of
university
Use synonyms
. Anyways, when we think about the negative influence of
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 practices, it really
creats
Correct your spelling
creates
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tension.
Work
Use synonyms
 and exploring
kills
Change the verb form
kill
show examples
 lots of
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 and that can be a disadvantage for the students. If they
give
Verb problem
have
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 a gap and spend their time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
doing these
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
instead
Linking Words
 of starting
university
Use synonyms
 and
studing
Correct your spelling
studying
, they cannot cope
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
with other
studends
Correct your spelling
students
 later on.
For example
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, as I mentioned about my
work
Use synonyms
 before going to the
university
Use synonyms
, It
asserted
Verb problem
had
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 very bad effects on my studies.I had to go through a lot of
troubles
Fix the agreement mistake
trouble
show examples
 to catch up with the lectures and all.
To conclude
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, though working and exploring brings us new adventure and experience and allows us to be skillful
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
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it pushes us to face very bad
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 in consequences.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay provides a recognized structure, but greater focus on transition phrases and coherent paragraphing would improve the logical flow.
Task Achievement
You present general ideas effectively, but fail to fully expand or illustrate these ideas with specific examples, which are often vague or insufficiently developed.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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