IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some-people say the government is wasting money on arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. To what-extent-do-you-agree-or-disagree

#some-people #government #money #arts #what-extent-do-you-agree-or-disagree
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Art has played an integral role in human beings, so the government put massive financial investment in
this
 field, which led many people to think that there is no use in doing that
instead
 of supporting another one. From my point of view, I am not in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of the argument, and
this
 essay will clarify my opinion by showing the benefits of
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
. First of all, the diverse genres of art can serve humans in numerous ways to communicate. Music, sculpting, painting, photography, and architecture can be tools to express messages that are difficult to transfer verbally.
For instance
, when browsing around museums or galleries, tourists can reflect on the artistic products and acknowledge the statements behind them. A majority of messages propagate concerns
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
 crucial issues in public.
Moreover
,
arts
 are undoubtedly considered to bring people
comforts
Fix the agreement mistake
comfort
show examples
while
 they are
immersing
Wrong verb form
immersed
show examples
 in them. People tend to go to the cinema at weekends or enjoy catching songs to relieve all anxiety and stress after work. Many pieces of research have shown the advantages of
arts
, especially music, for recovering
diseases
Change preposition
from diseases
show examples
 related to mental problems. The
metal
Correct your spelling
mental
show examples
 improvement and rejuvenation of the patients are a well-proven element for the reasonable investment of the government. In conclusion,
as
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the benefits that
arts
 bring about to mankind, it is worthwhile for the government to devote a considerable amount of money to make
arts
 thrive.
Submitted by M.zeshan5999 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure of your essay, consider adding clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to outline the main point you will discuss. This will guide the reader through your argument more effectively.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present and provide a clear stance on the topic, you could enhance them by linking back to the question more explicitly and restating your main arguments in the conclusion for greater impact.
coherence cohesion
To strengthen your main points, ensure that each one is developed fully with detailed explanations and specific examples. This will help to substantiate your arguments and make them more convincing to the reader.
task achievement
Your response is complete, but to achieve a higher score, make sure that you address all parts of the prompt. This includes discussing the view that government funds could be spent elsewhere, which was somewhat overlooked in your essay.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, but to improve, try to develop each one further with more detailed analysis and examples. This adds depth to your essay and shows the examiner your ability to explore concepts thoroughly.
task achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to illustrate your points. While you mentioned general benefits of the arts, providing concrete examples or citing studies would make your argument more persuasive and meet the IELTS criteria better.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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