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Writing Samples
Band 7

In some parts of the world, many famous people are regarded as 'role models' and they are having an increasing influence on the young. is that a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, in some monopolies, it has become a trend for
celebrities
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 to take the role of models for youth, by having an essential influence on them.
Although
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,
teenagers
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 will be motivated by the results of
stars
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, not all famous people can be useful models for them.
To begin
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 with, adults will be incentivized by
stars
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, since they pay attention to their level of life and income. Famous people can lead them to be as hardworking individuals as they used to be.
In addition
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,
stars
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 can give them some advice about strategies for education they have taken in order to become wealthy.
For example
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, in India, the example for adults is Shahrukh, since they know not only about his profit but
also
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 advice he can give to the younger generation.
Thus
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,
teenagers
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 will try to take as much useful information from
stars
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 as possible and will be motivated.
On the other hand
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,
celebrities
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 have an awful influence on youth as it leads to forgetting about their nationality .They will try to copy all aspects of the life of
celebrities
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 and keep with the idea that they will not be able to achieve as high goals as they can by being in their hometown.
For instance
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, Anime has had to significant impact on
teenagers
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' attitudes on life. They try to copy not only fashion styles but
also
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 traditions, by forgetting about their own customs .
Therefore
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, the main drawback is that youth might be able to forget about their nationality. In conclusion,
furthermore
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, adults will be stimulated by famous people, and they forget about their citizenship. If
teenagers
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 try to grow up
according to
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 the way the
celebrities
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 do, but in their own monopoly, we will not be frustrated by issues like
this
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.

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure you address the topic more directly and clearly. Make sure each paragraph clearly supports your main thesis and provides specific examples that are directly related to the role models' influence.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, aim for a more logical structure. Transition smoothly between ideas and ensure each paragraph follows from the previous one. Use cohesive devices, like linking words or phrases, more effectively to guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
Be more precise with your examples and how they relate to your arguments. Directly tie each example to the point you're making to clearly illustrate your argument.
coherence cohesion
Revise to ensure that the introduction sets up the essay clearly and the conclusion summarizes your main points effectively. Avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion.
task achievement
Eliminate vague or slightly off-topic statements and focus on making each sentence contribute to the overall argument. This will improve the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas.
task achievement
The essay attempts to address both positive and negative aspects of famous people acting as role models for youth, which shows a balanced approach.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides specific examples (e.g., Shahrukh, Anime) to illustrate points, which is effective in making the argument tangible.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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