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Band 6.5

Some people think that sport is very important for society. Others, however, argue that it is nothing more than a leisure activity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.（重复2011 年老题）

#people #sport #society #leisure #activity
Sports
activities
 has garnered many attention lately as health issues are
also
 brought up frequently. Exercising oftenly viewed as a necessary for human's health. Without doubt, doing
sports
activities
 brings a lot of benefit in maintaining our body stamina. In
this
 essay, I will elucidate on why is it very important for the society to prioritize doing exercise on the forthcoming paragraphs.
To begin
 with,
this
 society is standing because of its
people
. WHO stated
sports
activities
 are beneficial for human's health.
For instance
, cardiovascular
sports
activities
 have impacts in increasing our heart's stamina.
Moreover
, a human needs stamina in order to carry out their daily tasks.
In addition
, working out helps us burn more calories, which is compulsory in losing some body fat and weight.
Furthermore
, a healthy community can only be achieved if every part of the society cares about their well-being.
Whereas
, some disease are airborne and easily transmitted. To reduce the risk of getting transmitted from these diseases are by strengthening our immune system through exercises.
Hence
,
sports
activities
 become a key factor in creating a healthy environment.
On the other hand
, numerous
people
 does not see the importance of working out and only sees it as
activities
 to do during their leisure
time
.
However
, by considering doing exercises in their spare
time
 shows how sport
activities
 enhance human's emotion. Oftenly, during our leisure
time
, we tend to do exhilarating
activities
.
Therefore
,
people
 who works out only on their spare
time
 tends to have different principles. They seek for happiness through
sports
instead
 of focusing on making yourself skinnier.
To conclude
, not a lot of
people
 have the same mindset in terms of
sports
activities
.
However
, we can not deny the importance of
sports
activities
 in bringing us advantages. Even to those, whose principle of
sports
 only as a leisure
activities
, still manage to get the fruitful side of exercising.
Submitted by kezia.ch.wibowo on

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Task Achievement
Make sure to introduce both sides of the argument equally before presenting your own opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance the clarity of your main ideas by using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph.
Task Achievement
Back up your points with more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs together more effectively.
Language
Be consistent in your use of tenses and ensure correct verb forms (e.g., change 'has garnered' to 'has garnered', 'oftenly' is not a word, instead use 'often').
Language
Pay attention to subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'numerous people does' should be 'numerous people do').
Coherence and Cohesion
Check the coherence of your ideas to ensure a balanced discussion of both viewpoints before presenting your opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Chronic diseases
  • Teamwork
  • Cultural divides
  • Revenue generator
  • Infrastructure
  • Patriotism
  • Role models
  • Commercialization
  • Recreation
  • Stress-relief
  • Elite sports
  • Injury risks
  • Doping scandals
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