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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

2.Many parents in Vietnam invest heavily into their child’s education hoping for the best. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#parents #vietnam #child’s #education #outweigh
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A common trend frequently around the educational system in Vietnam is whether to pay fees for
children
’s studies which causes an imbalance in financial management
whereas
 the advantage of
this
 is increasing the adaptation ability to the
work
 environment
as well as
 gaining a suitable
work
. One of the core benefits of investing
money
 into
education
 is helping
children
 adapt to the workspace. To explain it
further
, today with the rapid development of technology, most companies raise their working demand.
For example
, in Microsoft company, all workers need an IT certificate as a fundamental condition.
As a result
, only
education
 can adapt to high demand in a workspace.
Additionally
, another considerable advantage of paying
heavily
Change the adverb
heavy
show examples
 fees for
education
 by parents is getting a suitable job. To put it simply,
education
 can provide
children
 with many soft and necessary skills related to relevant career fields, and from that
children
 can define what
work
 is suitable for them.
As a consequence
,
children
 are given a chance to
work
 in a suitable job by the educational system.
Nevertheless
, heavy
money
 paid for
education
 may cause financial management in the family.
In other words
, investing an amount of
money
 into study may cause families to get into debt or a shortage in the cost of living.
However
, the educational system was and is encouraging
children
 to study by paying fees for students whose poor condition.
Hence
, parents do not need to worry about the profound impact on finances In conclusion, the drawback of investing heavily
money
 on learning for
children
 by parents in Vietnam is the financial problem is outweighed by the adaptation to workspace
along with
 getting a suitable career.
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Task Achievement
To improve your Task Achievement score, ensure that the response fully addresses all parts of the task. Both sides of the argument (advantages and disadvantages) should be clearly discussed, and your position should be relevant and well-supported with specific examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
For a higher score in Coherence and Cohesion, make sure your essay has a clear overall progression. Use a variety of cohesive devices and paragraphing to manage the organization of your writing effectively. It would also be beneficial to include a more distinct introduction and conclusion to frame your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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