IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that to give opportunities to the new generation companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is often thought that
employees
Use synonyms
 who are older than 55 have more work experience, but at the same
time
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, there are many things we should consider about recruiting the new generations. In
this
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 case, I prefer to agree on encouraging workers who are older than 55 to retire, mainly because changes will be needed to grow the
company
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, especially when they have more potential and more
time
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 to explore ways to make profits. First of all, though the older generations have more experience in life, changes are needed these days. In
this
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 21st century, technology is way more advanced than it was back in the 90s. A
company
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 should be more sensitive in hiring technology-wise individuals than those who are considered “old fashioned”.
According to
Linking Words
 research done by Scholars back in 2019, it was observed that the older generations had less interest in exploring tech developments as they believed they could do things easily their own way. One thing we have to highlight is that they have lived long enough to make them think they can do their tasks without the help of a program.
However
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,
this
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 kind of mindset is no longer relevant in the recent world as technology has been deeply involved in people's daily lives. Second of all, it is believed that the younger workers have more potential and
time
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 to discover their strengths. Sure, a fresh graduate might be less interesting to hire, but the possibility of them making profits in the future as they grow in the
company
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 would be higher than the older workers.
This
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 is because the younger
employees
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 still have that stamina and are eager to achieve higher and higher in life.
In contrast
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 to the higher level older
employees
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 who might have achieved most of their dreams in life, that can lead to less motivation in working and they will eventually choose to relax and enjoy their limited
time
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.
This
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 argument is supported by a study done by the Employee Research Center, showing that younger employee has better motivation than older ones. The difference was quite significant, reaching an approximately 30% gap. In conclusion, I do believe that the younger
employees
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 have better potential to make big changes in the future.
Hence
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, I agree that the older generation should retire
although
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 they might keep the
company
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 value steady.

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task achievement
Your essay maintained a clear position throughout, which is good. However, it could be further strengthened by developing your main points with clearer and more specific examples. While some research and study references are mentioned, try to cite concrete data or real-world scenarios that reinforce your arguments.
coherence & cohesion
The overall structure of your essay is clear, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To improve cohesion, make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea and use a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas within and across sentences more effectively. Using synonyms and paraphrasing can also enhance the flow of your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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