IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on both individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?

#people #sites #facebook #impact #individuals #society
Social networking
sites
,
for instance
,
Facebook
, are thought by some to have had a detrimental effect on individual
people
, society, and local
communities
.
However
,
while
such
sites
 mainly benefit the individual, I agree that they have damaged local
communities
. Regarding
individuals
, online social media’s impact on each person has clear advantages.
Firstly
,
people
 from different countries are brought together through
such
sites
 as
Facebook
.
In contrast
, before the development of technology and social networking
sites
,
people
 rarely had the chance to interact with or communicate with anyone outside their immediate circle or
community
.
Secondly
,
Facebook
also
 has social groups that offer
individuals
 a chance to meet and participate in discussions with
people
 who share common interests.
On the other hand
, the effect that
Facebook
 and other social networking
sites
 have had on societies and local
communities
 can only be seen as negative. Rather than
individuals
 participating in their local
community
, they take more interest in
people
 online.
Consequently
, the
people
 within local
communities
 are no longer forming close or supportive relationships.
For instance
, Seoul, South Korea, implemented an innovative initiative promoting local merchant discounts for residents who engaged in
community
 initiatives.
Furthermore
, society is becoming increasingly disjointed and fragmented as
people
 allocate time online with
people
, they have never met face to face and are unlikely ever to meet.
To conclude
,
although
 social networking
sites
 have brought
individuals
 closer together, they have not had the same effect on society or local
communities
. Local
communities
 should do more to involve local
people
 in local activities to promote the future of
community
 life.
Submitted by aamenis on

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Introduction & Conclusion
Ensure that your introduction clearly presents your stance on the topic and that your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and restates your position. You did well in this aspect, but further refining your introductory and concluding statements can enhance the persuasive impact of your essay.
Task Achievement
To improve your score in task achievement, ensure that each paragraph presents a clear, comprehensive idea that is directly related to the essay question. While your essay addresses the prompt effectively, incorporating a wider range of examples and deepening the analysis in some areas could strengthen your argument and enhance clarity.
Coherence & Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, focus on creating a logical flow of ideas throughout your essay. You've structured your essay well, with a logical progression from introduction through to conclusion. Enhancing transitional phrases and varying sentence structures can further improve the readability and flow of your essay.
Examples & Support
Incorporate specific, real-world examples to support your arguments wherever possible. While references to Seoul's initiative are excellent, adding more examples like this throughout your essay can make your arguments more convincing and nuanced.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • erosion
  • face-to-face
  • interactions
  • privacy concerns
  • data breaches
  • misinformation
  • polarize
  • cyberbullying
  • online harassment
  • procrastination
  • productivity
  • social isolation
  • dissemination
  • breeding ground
  • vast amounts
  • personal information
  • mental health
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