Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on both individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?
Social networking
sites
, for instance
, Facebook
, are thought by some to have had a detrimental effect on individual people
, society, and local communities
. However
, while
such
sites
mainly benefit the individual, I agree that they have damaged local communities
.
Regarding individuals
, online social media’s impact on each person has clear advantages. Firstly
, people
from different countries are brought together through such
sites
as Facebook
. In contrast
, before the development of technology and social networking sites
, people
rarely had the chance to interact with or communicate with anyone outside their immediate circle or community
. Secondly
, Facebook
also
has social groups that offer individuals
a chance to meet and participate in discussions with people
who share common interests.
On the other hand
, the effect that Facebook
and other social networking sites
have had on societies and local communities
can only be seen as negative. Rather than individuals
participating in their local community
, they take more interest in people
online. Consequently
, the people
within local communities
are no longer forming close or supportive relationships. For instance
, Seoul, South Korea, implemented an innovative initiative promoting local merchant discounts for residents who engaged in community
initiatives. Furthermore
, society is becoming increasingly disjointed and fragmented as people
allocate time online with people
, they have never met face to face and are unlikely ever to meet.
To conclude
, although
social networking sites
have brought individuals
closer together, they have not had the same effect on society or local communities
. Local communities
should do more to involve local people
in local activities to promote the future of community
life.Submitted by aamenis on
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Introduction & Conclusion
Ensure that your introduction clearly presents your stance on the topic and that your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and restates your position. You did well in this aspect, but further refining your introductory and concluding statements can enhance the persuasive impact of your essay.
Task Achievement
To improve your score in task achievement, ensure that each paragraph presents a clear, comprehensive idea that is directly related to the essay question. While your essay addresses the prompt effectively, incorporating a wider range of examples and deepening the analysis in some areas could strengthen your argument and enhance clarity.
Coherence & Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, focus on creating a logical flow of ideas throughout your essay. You've structured your essay well, with a logical progression from introduction through to conclusion. Enhancing transitional phrases and varying sentence structures can further improve the readability and flow of your essay.
Examples & Support
Incorporate specific, real-world examples to support your arguments wherever possible. While references to Seoul's initiative are excellent, adding more examples like this throughout your essay can make your arguments more convincing and nuanced.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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