IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some parents think that giving expensive gifts to children creating bad habits. do you agree or disagree

#parents #gifts #children #habits
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A lot of parents believe spoiling
pupils
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 with luxury
things
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 is the same as supporting bad behaviour to grow. I believe
that is
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 true because they don'
t
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 really need it and can promote
such
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 insensitive behaviour.
This
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 essay will discuss why I agree with
this
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 statement and provide examples to strengthen my arguments.
First,
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a recent study shows that children who are surrounded by expensive goods will likely see it as something usual in the future. When they get older, they might think that those are just regular
things
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 that people have, which are not everyone as lucky as them.
This
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 mindset causes insensitive attitudes to grow.
For example
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, they don'
t
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 think it is necessary to donate their unused -but still, in good condition- clothes because they are sure all people already have them. Insensitive practice can lead to a low social awareness level of
pupils
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. As they expect everyone to be on the same level as them, they might not realize that some people can'
t
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 even eat three times a day.
This
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 situation is bringing a negative impact not only on the children but
also
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 on the society. On top of that, considering their age, it is questionable do they really need
such
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things
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. A bag worth more than $500,
for instance
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, is not appropriately useful for the
pupils
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. The amount of money spent on the bag can be allocated for something more crucial
such
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 as their education insurance, health insurance, or, conducting charity for
pupils
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 whose parents can'
t
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 even afford proper bags for them. The inequalities among
pupils
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 are sad to see, especially if the privileged one is not even being considerable. In conclusion, I strongly agree that we should stop normalizing giving expensive gifts to
pupils
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. It is proven that it can promote the insensitive attitude that leads to a decreasing rate of social awareness and there is no urgency to buy
such
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 expensive
things
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 for them.
Submitted by farrandyerza on

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structure
Ensure the essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The use of linking words and phrases could be improved to enhance the logical flow of the essay.
development
Tasks should be fully addressed, with a clear position throughout. It is important to expand on the examples used to support your points, making sure they are specific and detailed.
cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices effectively to maintain coherence. Be cautious of repetition and aim for a variety of sentence structures to articulate your points more clearly.
relevance
Remain consistently relevant to the essay question throughout your response. Review each paragraph to ensure it directly contributes to answering the posed question.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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