IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Several people assert that the main cause of crime is an economically disadvantaged background. However, other say that crime is caused by a person's nature. Discuss both ideas and give your own opinion.

#people #crime #background #person #nature
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Many people argue that
criminals
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 who are influenced by their poor background are more likely to commit
crimes
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. Meanwhile, other people think that
criminals
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 are influenced by their genetic reasons.
Although
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criminals
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 cannot control their instincts by themselves, I agree that
criminals
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 who were taken after by poor
parents
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 have learned only about
crimes
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 because their
parents
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 usually make money illegally way. It is difficult to change someone’s mind and think about their beliefs when they are young. Even though schools teach them, it is far harder to control their instinct themselves.
For example
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,
while
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 serving their sentence in a Korean jail,
criminals
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 have many rehabilitation programs
such
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 as religion, workouts and job education. When they do
this
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 program, it looks like a positive effect for them, but when they are released from prison, they commit the same kind of crime as their previous crime. Some
criminals
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 say that when they realise their crime, they do not realise they have achieved it. It means that they commit
crimes
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 as unconscious.
However
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, I do not agree with
this
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 idea because
criminals
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 do not commit
crimes
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 with instinct.
However
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,
parents
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 who do not have enough money to raise their kids usually commit
crimes
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such
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 as robbery and pickpocketing for their kids and themselves. Under
this
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 circumstance, their children are badly affected by their
parents
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, and naturally, they are familiar with committing
crimes
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. When the kids become adults, they begin to commit
crimes
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 because they are learned only
crimes
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 by their
parents
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.
For instance
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, in a developing country, children whom criminal
parents
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 raise learn only about
crimes
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such
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 as the way of pickpockets. Under
this
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 circumstance, they think that it is common in their life.
For
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this
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 reason, they become a more severe criminal in the future. In conclusion, even though controlling instinct is difficult, I agree that if poor
parents
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 raise
criminals
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, they can learn only about
crimes
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 because
parents
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 who commit
crimes
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 earn money in not good way.
Submitted by jiyoonahn99 on

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Introduction & Conclusion
Ensure that your introduction and conclusion are clear, concise, and summarise your main points effectively. This will help the reader understand your viewpoint and the structure of your argument from the beginning to the end of the essay.
Logical Structure
Develop the logical structure of your essay by using linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. This enhances flow and makes it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.
Supporting Examples
Include more specific examples and evidence to support your main points. While you provided instances of rehabilitation in Korean jails and the situation of children in a developing country, additional detailed examples and evidence could strengthen your argument.
Paragraph Development
Make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that this idea is supported by arguments and examples. Your essay would benefit from a more distinct separation of ideas and further development of each before moving on to the next point.
Task Response
Ensure that the essay fully addresses all parts of the task. Provide a balanced discussion of both views presented in the question and develop your own opinion throughout the essay, not just in the conclusion.
Language Use
Refine the accuracy and complexity of your language to enhance clarity. There are some grammatical errors and awkward sentences that could be improved upon. Practicing paraphrasing and complex sentence structures can assist with this.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • economically disadvantaged
  • necessities
  • societal factors
  • external circumstances
  • criminal activities
  • intrinsic characteristics
  • personality traits
  • moral beliefs
  • psychological conditions
  • predisposed
  • personal choice
  • responsibility
  • profound impact
  • circumstances
  • attributes
  • behavior
What to do next:
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