IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

How can government make sure that people save enough money to live on when they are old?

#government #people #money
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Financial experts say that accumulating a small amount of
money
 every month from personal
income
 for a long period of time can result in extremely high returns at maturity. Every official authority in the country should encourage its residents to save
money
. There are numerous methods through which people could be guided to save wealth at a young
age
.
Firstly
, the official organization can start
the
Correct article usage
apply
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awareness lectures and sessions at offices, workplaces, communities, and in rural areas. These
sessions
Change noun form
sessions'
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 main goal should be to explain how a small amount of savings from their
income
 can be a life-changing investment for them. Officials say that despite the higher
income
, people don't save their
money
 through professional methods. These awareness sessions can help them reach the best saving methods for their old
age
 security.
Secondly
, the official banks can start
the
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show examples
investment schemes, which are specially designed and issued for long-term investment and higher returns.
Moreover
, high returns can be an attractive gem to clients, for sure.
For instance
, there is one bank scheme named "Atal Pension Yojana." In
this
 case, the account holder has to pay only Rs 200 per month from the
age
 of 18 to 40. At the
age
 of 60, the account holder will receive Rs. 5,000 every month in return through the scheme. These types of schemes really attract the public to invest their
money
. In conclusion, I think saving
money
 from
income
 not only gives efficient utilization of the individual's
income
 but
also
 gives a sense of financial independence
as well as
 old-
age
 security to the payer.
Submitted by khatrisumeet400 on

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task response
To improve task response, ensure all aspects of the prompt are addressed, and demonstrate a broader range of potential government actions to encourage savings.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, work on better organizing the essay with clear topic sentences and transitions between ideas.
supported main points
To further support main points, incorporate a wider range of examples and consider potential objections or different viewpoints.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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