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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that hard work and determination are the main requirements for success, while others say other factors lead to success. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give a reason for your example and include relevant examples from your knowledge and experience.

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The definition of
success
Use synonyms
 differs for each individual. Some
people
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 believe the keys to
success
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 are determination and hard work,
whereas
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 others see that other factors,
such
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 as wealth, are powerful tools for
success
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. A determined mindset is essential when encountering challenges, but wealth would
also
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 contribute to
success
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.
Hence
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, I stand neutral on both views.
Initially
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,
people
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 often associate hard work and
success
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 with the quote, “No pain, no gain.” From
this
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 quote, it is believed that
success
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 doesn’t come quickly.
Instead
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,
people
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 need to earn it the hard way.
Hence
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, diligence becomes essential when achieving goals. In Asian culture, we were taught to work hard on everything we want to achieve.
For instance
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, students must study hard day and night or even more to get good grades.
People
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 neglect the importance of having a determined mindset; it’s easier for them to give up in the middle and fail to achieve their goals. Wealth consists of the economic capability of an individual and often represents social status. Social status is important because it gives a good impression, but a higher status would eliminate half of the barriers familiar
people
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 usually face.
People
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 born into wealthy families do not have to worry about failure because they have a safety net.
This
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 privilege won’t be relevant for
people
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 who are born poor because sometimes they don’t have the privilege to fail as they have already poured everything into trying. It’s easier for rich
people
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 to try new lines of business as they have the capital.
In contrast
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, when trying to open new businesses, poor
people
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 must find alternatives,
such
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 as loans from banks or online, which usually have higher interest rates.
For instance
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, statistics show that the majority who applied for online loans are
people
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 who have lower incomes. In summary,
success
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 requires lots of factors. Determination is needed to prevent
people
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 from easily giving up when achieving goals.
However
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, having the capital would pave the way to
success
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.

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Task Response
Elaborate more clearly on your personal opinion. Though you mentioned standing neutral on both views, it would be beneficial to delve deeper into why you believe both factors are equally important, providing more specific examples and reasoning to support your stance.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, you've managed to structure your essay logically with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. To further improve, ensure transitions between paragraphs and sentences are smooth, which aids in the flow of your narrative. You could benefit from using a wider variety of linking words and phrases.
Task Achievement
In regards to task achievement, you have addressed the prompt by discussing both views and providing your stance. To enhance your score, ensure that each point you make is followed by detailed, specific examples. These examples should be clearly linked to the point made, showcasing a direct impact on success. Expanding on your examples with more detail and how they relate to your central argument will strengthen your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • diligence
  • opportunity
  • mentorship
  • economic background
  • social mobility
  • networking
  • resources
  • skill set
  • innate talent
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