IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Q. In some parts of the world traditional festivals and celebrations have disappeared or are disappearing. What problems is this causing? What measures could be taken to counter this situation?

#q #parts #world #festivals #celebrations #measures #counter #situation
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Every year
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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numerous local and international
festivals
 and celebrations are
host
Wrong verb form
hosted
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 to represent countries with their unique cultures and customs. In the contemporary era, the urge
necessitating holding
Verb problem
to
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 maintain those indigenous
events
 has been diminishing in some countries, posing a formidable threat to
very
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the very
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 existence of some trends. I contend that globalisation is a chief culprit which yields the biggest influence over
young
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the young
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 generation to steal their attention from these traditional
events
. First and foremost, for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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centuries traditional
festivals
such
 as Rio Carnaval and
New-year
Correct your spelling
New Year's
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 Eve; have been viewed as the way of celebrating a particular activity that bears a significant value for the local residents.
However
, in the present,
this
 trend is being underscored by communities regardless
how
Change preposition
of how
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 engaging these
events
 really are. Owing to the globalisation impact, people are becoming more gravitated towards modern cults, disregarding
importance
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the importance
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 of ethnic
festivals
 and celebrations. To cite an example,
although
Novruz
Correct article usage
the Novruz
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 holiday used to be extravagantly celebrated for seven consecutive days by everyone in Azerbaijan, today almost a single juvenile recalls these rituals and celebration activities as they are busy with their devices at home. Undoubtedly, as a direct result of abolishing these cultural
events
, many ethnic minorities will be one step closer to being completely vanished from the world.
Moreover
, it is
also
 true that these regional
festivals
 may not be as attractive to adolescents as they are to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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seniors. Thereby, the existing
status-quo
Correct your spelling
status quo
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 must be challenged by a new disrupter to tailor these activities so that they can be the centre of students'
curiousity
Correct your spelling
curiosity
.
For example
,
initially
Add a comma
initially,
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 the Halloween celebration was all about wearing frightening clothes to scare people. But, just in order to make these activities ever-lasting and captivating to the kids, people came up with an idea to add something that children indulge
; sweets
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in; sweets
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. In conclusion, despite local celebrations
experience
Wrong verb form
experiencing
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 significant devaluation by
public
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the public
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, efforts
such
 as
adopting
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adapting
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 to the changing trends by blending in with new technology can revive
this
 foregone
wibe
Correct your spelling
wide
.
Submitted by orkhanshamil on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay needs a more logical structure to help readers easily follow your argument. Consider organizing your essay with clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific point or aspect of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion could be more explicitly defined. Be sure to clearly introduce the topic and your stance at the beginning, and summarise your main points in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed examples and explanations. This helps to strengthen your argument and make your essay more convincing.
task achievement
Ensure your essay fully addresses all parts of the task. While you have provided some measures that could be taken, more detailed exploration and explanation of potential solutions would improve this aspect.
task achievement
Strive for clarity and precision in your ideas. Make sure every paragraph contributes to your overall argument, and avoid vague statements by giving more specific examples.
task achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to support your points. Examples help illustrate your arguments and make them more tangible to the reader.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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