IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#money #lifestyle #illness #treatment #people
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In the modern era, there has been a debate related to public
health
Use synonyms
. There might be some
people
Use synonyms
 who insist that public money should be put more into treatments of patients,
while
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 other parts of
society
Use synonyms
 believe that allocated
funds
Use synonyms
 for public
health
Use synonyms
 should be spent to prevent
illnesses
Use synonyms
 before they occur or get severe, and I am personally in the same opinion with
this
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 view.
To begin
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 with, some individuals may assert that public well-being
funds
Use synonyms
 should be used to heal
people
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 who experience
illnesses
Use synonyms
 in their lives.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that those who are diagnosed with
health
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 issues might have unexpected expenditures in order to have appropriate remedies to cure their
health
Use synonyms
 issues. As a salient example, groups diagnosed with cancers might have to participate in their planned therapy which may require excessive fees.
For
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this
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 reason,
people
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 can argue that the government should invest their allocated
funds
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 to focus on
people
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 who already suffer not only from their sickness but
also
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 the treatment fees.
However
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,
on the other hand
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,
while
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 an authorised department supports individuals suffering from
illnesses
Use synonyms
, it should not be ignored that governments should develop a public
health
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 system to prevent
society
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 members from having other bio-psychosocial
health
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 issues. To be more specific, it is rational the government should contribute to making our
society
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 safe. To exemplify
this
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, for the
last
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 few years, it was way more important to protect each member of
society
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 from a
spread
Change the verb form
spreading
show examples
 virus
such
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 as COVID-19. With
this
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, governments should increase their fund for prevention and early interventions.
Therefore
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, it can be discussed that spending the government’s
funds
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 on the prevention of
illnesses
Use synonyms
 might play a paramount role in the public
health
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 system.
To conclude
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,
although
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 there are some
people
Use synonyms
 arguing that the government should support those who already suffer from
illnesses
Use synonyms
 which require much more money for their treatments, I am personally convinced by the other perspective advocating that public
health
Use synonyms
funds
Use synonyms
 should be more valuable for taking proactive actions before diseases are becoming severe.
Submitted by yeseulyou92 on

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Task Achievement
Ensure a balanced approach to the argument by providing equal depth and analysis to both viewpoints. While you've done well to explore both sides, offering a deeper insight or counter-argument for the opposing view could strengthen your position.
Task Achievement
Increase the specificity and relatability of your examples. While the reference to COVID-19 is relevant, incorporating more varied and specific examples could make your argument more compelling and relatable.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance clarity and coherence, consider more varied transitional phrases and a finer segmentation of paragraphs. This will help in clearly delineating your argument and making the essay more reader-friendly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the sophistication of your vocabulary and sentence structures to add depth to your argument and enhance reader engagement. While your usage is competent, further variety and complexity could enhance the overall impact.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive measures
  • chronic diseases
  • healthcare costs
  • public health campaigns
  • lifestyle-related illnesses
  • quality of life
  • health-conscious society
  • allocate funds
  • balanced healthcare system
  • comprehensive healthcare strategy
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