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Band 5.5

Wealthy countries should accept more refugees and provide them with basic assistance. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #refugees #assistance
Since the beginning of times, the people of
this
 planet have been in a constant state of turmoil
due to
 war and conflict. It is a common notion nowadays that developed countries ought to take responsibility
of
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for
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 even more refugees in order to provide basic aid
such
 as shelter and food to them.
However
, I do not support
this
 point of view as
this
 philanthropic act, regardless of its benefits, can create security issues and scarcity of resources in the host country.
To begin
 the argument, it should be taken into consideration that it is the foremost duty of
governments
Correct article usage
the governments
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 of these wealthy countries to prioritize the security of their own citizens first. After all, hosting these displaced persons could cause a safety threat to society in general, as was observed in Pakistan during the influx of Afghan refugees towards the end of the twentieth century.
Consequently
, an increase in
smuggling
Correct article usage
the smuggling
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 of ammunition and
creation
Correct article usage
the creation
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 of retaliation groups was observed.
Thus
, it imposes an enormous risk on the safety and security of the native population.
Furthermore
, a significant aspect to consider is the usage of land and facilities by these new people which may lead to economic competition over
limited
Add an article
a limited
the limited
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 supply of resources.
For instance
, crude oil prices were recorded to be sky-high during the Gulf War; but by the end of it, they began to decline.
Therefore
, it could be argued that offering refuge is unfair to residents already settled in that part of the world. To summarize the aforementioned reasons, it can be said that the risk of instability, both social and financial, is a rather huge concern for wealthy nations.
Hence
, I strongly believe they should not take in any more refugees than they can fairly accommodate.
Submitted by amnaasiddiquii on

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Task Achievement
To enhance your Task Achievement score, focus on developing a more comprehensive view on the topic. While you have presented a clear stance, incorporating a broader range of implications and perspectives could enrich your argument. Consider discussing potential benefits of accepting refugees, alongside the challenges, to present a well-rounded analysis.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, you’ve made a good effort in presenting a logically structured essay with a clear introduction and conclusion. To improve, work on linking your ideas more smoothly within and between paragraphs. Using a wider range of linking words and phrases can enhance the flow of your essay, making your arguments more coherent and easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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