IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

A number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans are superior and entitled to employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including food and research. Discuss both these options and form your own opinion.

#people #animals #rights #humans #food #research #options #form
Some
people
 think that
animals
 should have the same rights as a community and they mustn’t be exploited by the public,
also
 the amount of society increases every day. Other
people
 are convinced that
animals
 must used by
people
 for various needs like food or research. I believe that it doesn’t have too much value in testing different products on
animals
.
This
 essay will discuss both points of view. A number of scientists have shown that in recent years there have been significant changes in animal exploitation patterns.
As a result
,
this
 trend seems to become less common. Referring to some potentially negative outcomes of that tendency, some evidence indicates the extinction of many animal species.
For instance
, testing cosmetics leads to the death of rabbits or other creatures,
this
 incident started being popular some time ago ( social media actively spread videos with talking rabbits ). After that,
people
 collect petitions about the rights of
animals
, which should be the same as
people
.
However
, some opponents who state that for
people
’s health, it is right to use
animals
 may deem the alternative viewpoint questionable.
Although
 the social and economic dimensions of effects are distinct, they are more closely interrelated than other dimensions. It is often said that some products can cause deadly diseases or allergies, which isn’t cured.
Nevertheless
, it is necessary to take into account all the details of each individual case. From my point of view, the former opinion is definitely more persuasive, as it follows from my own experience, for I am a journalist.
However
, an attitude to
this
 issue may always depend on a particular occupation status and his or her academic qualifications or personal background.
Submitted by balnur_amantay on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
To improve in Task Achievement, ensure that you address all parts of the prompt fully. Develop your argument with a more balanced discussion of both sides, and clearly state your own opinion with reasoned support. Consider using a wider range of evidence, including statistical information or citing reputable sources, to substantiate your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
For enhancing Coherence and Cohesion, focus on creating a more structured essay. Start by introducing the topic and outlining what you will discuss. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence that summarizes the main idea of the paragraph. Additionally, using linking words and phrases can help in making your essay more cohesive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: