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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think children should do extra-classes after school. Others disagree and say they should play sports outside their school hours. What is your opinion on this? Suggest healthy ways for children to develop.

#people #children #extra-classes #school #sports #hours
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Many people believe that children should study some extra activities after
school
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 lessons.
On the other hand
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, some people disagree with
this
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 point of view and claim that it would be better for
young
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the young
show examples
 generation to play
sports
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 after their
school
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day
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. As for me, I side with the latter group of people. First of all, physical activity is really important for children's health and development.
According to
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 current articles I have read,
childrenn
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children
 should walk or play some
sports
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 for at least an hour per
day
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.
However
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, during the
school
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day
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, pupils have to sit in classes for several hours and usually, the physical culture lesson takes place in the
school
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 timetable only two or three times per week which is obviously not enough.
That is
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 why it is crucial to organize some extra activities for pupils after their
school
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 time.
Moreover
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, sport helps children to develop a wide range of
skills
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.
For example
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, my nephew is a member of a junior football team. Playing team
sports
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 helps him to develop his communication
skills
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 and learn how to work in a team.
Also
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, as a sportsman, he has to build strong discipline and learn how to behave when you win or lose. All these
skills
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 will definitely help him in his adult life.
To sum up
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, playing
sports
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 outside
school
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 hours helps not only to raise healthy offspring
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 develops various important
skills
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 in them. I reckon that pupils study enough during lessons and should free their minds and develop different parts of their bodies after a
school
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day
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.
Submitted by nzgvrv on

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Task Achievement
Reinforce your argument with a wider variety of examples and evidence to further support your main points. While the personal example of your nephew adds a personal touch, integrating statistics or findings from credible studies could enhance your argument's validity.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure that each paragraph seamlessly transitions into the next. You might consider using more varied transitional phrases to guide your reader through your argument more smoothly. This enhances the overall flow of your essay.
Task Achievement
To improve your task achievement score, ensure that you address all parts of the prompt fully. While you have provided a clear opinion and supported it, offering a balanced view by briefly acknowledging the opposing viewpoint before refuting it can make your argument more comprehensive.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • complement
  • curriculum
  • personalized attention
  • holistic development
  • resilience
  • balanced lifestyle
  • well-rounded development
  • faculties
  • socially adept
  • creative arts
  • outdoor exploration
  • empathetic
  • adaptable
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