IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Do you agree or disagree?

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It’s argued that obese children’s
parents
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 are supposed to be punished
result
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 of making them fat.
This
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 essay disagrees with the statement because
parents
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 may not be on purpose and
punishment
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 is quite an extreme method to address
this
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 situation. It’s undoubtedly that
parents
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care
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 about their kids, but it’s not always a deliberate action to make their children fat.
To begin
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 with, the child becoming obese is not the
result
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 of just one reason. It can be some disease cause or the side-effect from some medication. Aside from these reasons, the diet balance
isn’t
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 always achieved for every parent. Some of them might work late, too busy to take
care
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 of their kids’ diet every day.
This
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 doesn’t mean they’re on purpose to make them obese.
For example
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, there are a few offspring who were born with problems. By undertaking some treatments, will take specific pills to avoid deteriorating, which might decrease the ability to metabolism and
then
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further
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result
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 in obesity.
On the other hand
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,
punishment
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 is quite a dramatic way for
parents
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 who make their children fat. There are plenty of methods that can address problems, but
punishment
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isn’t
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 the best way.
Instead
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, it shows that society lacks of conception of ethics.
This
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isn’t
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 the criminal who committed murder, but
parents
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 might have issues with their children’s health, so
punishment
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isn’t
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 necessary.
For instance
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, governments can provide courses that how
parents
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 can avoid kids being fat and offer daily healthy diet
care
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 to those kids whose
parents
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 are too busy to take
care
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 of them.
Therefore
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, in my conclusion, there is no need to punish
parents
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 who make their children fat.
This
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 might
result
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 from diseases or medication,
in addition
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, and the government can take another plan to address
this
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 problem.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, more elaboration in each section could enhance clarity and engagement. Try developing your ideas further with more detailed examples and explanations.
task achievement
You have responded to the task by stating a clear opinion in the introduction and conclusion. Enhancing task achievement involves deepening your argumentation. Provide more specific and varied examples, and consider contrasting viewpoints more thoroughly to create a more persuasive essay.
coherence cohesion
To improve your essay’s coherence, focus on linking ideas more smoothly within and between paragraphs. Transitional phrases and clear topic sentences can guide the reader more effectively through your arguments. Additionally, ensure a balance between ideas; avoid uneven focus.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • genetics
  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
  • implementation
  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
What to do next:
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