Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Do you agree or disagree?
It’s argued that obese children’s
parents
are supposed to be punished result
of making them fat. This
essay disagrees with the statement because parents
may not be on purpose and punishment
is quite an extreme method to address this
situation.
It’s undoubtedly that parents
care
about their kids, but it’s not always a deliberate action to make their children fat. To begin
with, the child becoming obese is not the result
of just one reason. It can be some disease cause or the side-effect from some medication. Aside from these reasons, the diet balance isn’t
always achieved for every parent. Some of them might work late, too busy to take care
of their kids’ diet every day. This
doesn’t mean they’re on purpose to make them obese. For example
, there are a few offspring who were born with problems. By undertaking some treatments, will take specific pills to avoid deteriorating, which might decrease the ability to metabolism and then
further
result
in obesity.
On the other hand
, punishment
is quite a dramatic way for parents
who make their children fat. There are plenty of methods that can address problems, but punishment
isn’t
the best way. Instead
, it shows that society lacks of conception of ethics.
This
isn’t
the criminal who committed murder, but parents
might have issues with their children’s health, so punishment
isn’t
necessary. For instance
, governments can provide courses that how parents
can avoid kids being fat and offer daily healthy diet care
to those kids whose parents
are too busy to take care
of them.
Therefore
, in my conclusion, there is no need to punish parents
who make their children fat. This
might result
from diseases or medication, in addition
, and the government can take another plan to address this
problem.Submitted by 90nini15yu on
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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, more elaboration in each section could enhance clarity and engagement. Try developing your ideas further with more detailed examples and explanations.
task achievement
You have responded to the task by stating a clear opinion in the introduction and conclusion. Enhancing task achievement involves deepening your argumentation. Provide more specific and varied examples, and consider contrasting viewpoints more thoroughly to create a more persuasive essay.
coherence cohesion
To improve your essay’s coherence, focus on linking ideas more smoothly within and between paragraphs. Transitional phrases and clear topic sentences can guide the reader more effectively through your arguments. Additionally, ensure a balance between ideas; avoid uneven focus.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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