IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In some cultures, old age is highly valued, while youth is often considered more important in other cultures. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#cultures #age #youth
The elder plays a vital role in many places,
whereas
 the
youth
 is evaluated as more important in others.
This
 writer is more inclined toward the latter view and will explain the reasons in the following paragraphs. It is undeniable that old
age
 is guaranteed of genius and sophisticated being. As they are pioneers and fully experience every perspective of life. Take developing countries as an example. There are concerns raised about elders holding high positions in organisations as chairman, manager or even CEO.
This
 is
also
 because old
age
 is allocated as high responsibility and
skilful
Replace the word
skill
show examples
 in leading the team wisely.
As a result
, old
age
 is respected as a perfect beacon in many enterprises, especially in the developing world.
Nevertheless
, the
youth
 contribute to the workforce and they have a high potential to develop
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
. Indeed, the
youth
 is obviously seen to have a wide range of knowledge and understand the potential companies.
For instance
, young Indians are notoriously known for their massive income and their ambitious occupations as entrepreneurs, CEOs and leaders in many worldwide organisations.
Therefore
, the
youth
 is a vital factor in promoting the financial development of a nation, as they are determined to develop themselves day-to-day. On balance,
this
 writer believes that the
youth
 are assessed as more important than old
age
.
Also
, we can not negotiate the old
age
 contribution to human resources and their social impacts.
However
, the
youth
 have to bear the burden of developing their nations or even innovating them for the long-term benefit of supporting the next generation.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced view of the topic, discussing both perspectives and clearly stating your opinion, which is good for task achievement. However, ensure that your argument is comprehensive by expanding on your reasons and providing more specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with distinct paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion. To improve coherence, use more varied and complex linking phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly. Also, work on developing your paragraphs with clear topic sentences and more detailed supporting sentences.
coherence cohesion
While you provide examples to support your points, they could be more precise and relevant to your argument. Detailed and specific examples make your essay more persuasive and engaging. Try to integrate examples that directly support your main points and elaborate on them for a stronger argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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