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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that children should be taught to be competitive in school. Others, however, sya that cooperation and team working skills are more important. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

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A discourse about culture in schools has resulted in various responses, some people think it is fundamental to teach competitiveness.
While
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 others say they should be taught to cooperate and work in a team. From the deepest of my heart, my standpoint gravitates to the latter.
To begin
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 with, teaching students to be competitive might be a good thing as it harsens their survival mode.
Moreover
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, it
also
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 taught them that to get what they want they should be hard workers.
As a result
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, they will be high achievers with an abundance of achievements. Regardless, there are various downsides to it.
Firstly
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, they will be highly ambitious and will do everything possible to get what they want sometimes even doing harmful things,
such
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 as cheating.
Secondly
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, it creates individualistic children who only care for themselves and have low awareness of the surrounding environment.
On the other hand
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, teaching children cooperation and teamwork skills will bring various benefits.
Firstly
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, it will surely help them to lower their ego and accept differences in life.
Secondly
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, by doing so, they will be able to develop and grow together as a means to pursue their goals respectively.
Thirdly
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, it will bring them closer to one another,
thus
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 building a sense of belonging to always help and look out for each other. Fourthly, those two skills are fundamental and will be needed even in the workforce. Fifthly, as a social creature, they will not be able to live alone,
thus
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 having those kinds of skills will make them an integral part of the community.
To sum up
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,
while
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 others say that competitiveness is important to be taught in school. I do believe that teaching them to work in a team and to cooperate will be keys to a better life with a variety kind of benefits in the long run.

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Task Response
To improve task response, make sure you address all parts of the question equally. In this essay, the case for competitiveness was not as fully developed or supported as the case for cooperation and teamwork. Aim to present a balanced discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on clear topic sentences and linking words that help connect the ideas seamlessly from one paragraph to the other. Consider revising the essay to avoid sudden shifts in topics and to maintain a smooth flow of ideas.
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