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Writing Samples
Band 6

Pie chart bellow give information about the house hold expenditures of an average vs family in different years. summarizes the information by selecting and reporting the main features

Pie chart bellow give information about the house hold expenditures of an average vs family in different years. summarizes the information by selecting and reporting the main features
#bellow #information #house #expenditures #years #features
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The pie charts below
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 give six
Correct quantifier usage
pieces of informations
show examples
informations
Correct your spelling
information
 about the
house hold
Correct your spelling
household
show examples
 in 1970 and 2004.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
Use synonyms
mortgage
Fix the agreement mistake
mortgages
show examples
 had the highest rate in two different years.
According to
Linking Words
 the graph, in 1970
Use synonyms
mortgage
Fix the agreement mistake
mortgages
show examples
 stood in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
first
place
Use synonyms
 (26%).
In addition
Linking Words
, food with
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
slightly
Change the adverb
slight
show examples
 difference from
mortgage
Use synonyms
 stood in the second
place
Use synonyms
 (25%) and clothing with the 3 difference from food stood in the third
place
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 in 2004 50% of that chart
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
belongged
Correct your spelling
belonged
 to the
mortgage
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, clothing and childcare had the same per
cent
Use synonyms
 (10%).
Also
Linking Words
, transport had the lowest per
cent
Use synonyms
 about 5%.
In addition
Linking Words
, entertainment with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
1%
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 food stood in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
second
place
Use synonyms
 in 2004
whereas
Linking Words
, in 1970 childcare had the lowest rate exactly 1%.
Also
Linking Words
, transport and entertainment had the same
per
Correct your spelling
percentage
show examples
cent
Use synonyms
 (13%).
As a result
Linking Words
, it is obvious that
Use synonyms
mortgage
Fix the agreement mistake
mortgages
show examples
 had the highest per
cent
Use synonyms
 in 1970 and 2004.
Also
Linking Words
, in 1970 childcare had the lowest rate
while
Linking Words
 in 2004 transport stood in the
last
Linking Words
place
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by bazarjanimohammadreza83 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, in addition, while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words mortgage, place, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stood" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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