IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some believe that children nowadays have too much freedom. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#believe #children #freedom
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It is argued that
children
Use synonyms
 are given excessive
freedom
Use synonyms
 in the present day.From my point of view,I partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 idea because they do have
many
Correct quantifier usage
more
show examples
 choices than before. On the one hand,nowadays,
children
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 spend countless hours on video games,entertainment,
family
Correct word choice
and family
show examples
 parties.
Morever
Correct your spelling
Moreover
,a lot of young
children
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 do not have
parents
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 it follows that they do not have strict rules and young
children
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 spend time games,
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
show examples
,getting involved in drug addiction or
children
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 have too much
freedom
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 to bully other
peer
Fix the agreement mistake
peers
show examples
 either online or
school
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in school
show examples
.
These kind
Change the determiner
This kind
These kinds
show examples
 of
freedom
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 to be cruel leads to hurt for others.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,many young
children
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 go to school and their
parents
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 want to go to
extraclass
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extra classes
.
As a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
children
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of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
feel
over burdened
Correct your spelling
overburdened
show examples
 with their hectic lives.But they are
pleasent
Correct your spelling
pleasant
 with
parents
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 in the future life.
Parents
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 should allow
children
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 their own choices.They should be allowed to choose their own field of interest.
For instance
Linking Words
,in China,many students are free to select subjects they are interested in as elective courses.
Besides
Linking Words
,being given more
freedom
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 can help to make them become
self-relient
Correct your spelling
self-reliant
.They are encouraged to make decisions on their own.
This
Linking Words
 will
be undoubtedly be
Change the verb form
undoubtedly be
show examples
 advantageous to their future life.
To conclude
Linking Words
,I agree that
todayʼs
Correct your spelling
today
children
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 have more
freedom
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 than in the past.Given more
freedom
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 to
children
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 many
adventageous
Correct your spelling
advantageous
advantages
 than drawbacks.
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

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task response
Ensure a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to guide the reader through your argument. This helps in developing a coherent response to the essay prompt.
coherence and cohesion
Use a range of linking words and phrases to create a cohesive flow between sentences and paragraphs. Avoid overuse of the same connectors to enhance coherence.
task response
Incorporate a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to enrich your essay. This will also help in clearly conveying comprehensive ideas.
task response
Provide more detailed and explicit examples to support your claims. Using specific instances can significantly strengthen your argument and task response.
coherence and cohesion
Proofread your essay to correct grammatical errors and ensure proper punctuation. This will improve the overall readability and coherence of your text.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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