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Band 3.5

Some believe that children nowadays have too much freedom. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#believe #children #freedom
It is argued that
children
 are given excessive
freedom
 in the present day.From my point of view,I partly agree with
this
 idea because they do have
many
Correct quantifier usage
more
show examples
 choices than before. On the one hand,nowadays,
children
 spend countless hours on video games,entertainment,
family
Correct word choice
and family
show examples
 parties.
Morever
Correct your spelling
Moreover
,a lot of young
children
 do not have
parents
 it follows that they do not have strict rules and young
children
 spend time games,
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
show examples
,getting involved in drug addiction or
children
 have too much
freedom
 to bully other
peer
Fix the agreement mistake
peers
show examples
 either online or
school
Change preposition
in school
show examples
.
These kind
Change the determiner
This kind
These kinds
show examples
 of
freedom
 to be cruel leads to hurt for others.
On the other hand
,many young
children
 go to school and their
parents
 want to go to
extraclass
Correct your spelling
extra classes
.
As a
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
children
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
feel
over burdened
Correct your spelling
overburdened
show examples
 with their hectic lives.But they are
pleasent
Correct your spelling
pleasant
 with
parents
 in the future life.
Parents
 should allow
children
 their own choices.They should be allowed to choose their own field of interest.
For instance
,in China,many students are free to select subjects they are interested in as elective courses.
Besides
,being given more
freedom
 can help to make them become
self-relient
Correct your spelling
self-reliant
.They are encouraged to make decisions on their own.
This
 will
be undoubtedly be
Change the verb form
undoubtedly be
show examples
 advantageous to their future life.
To conclude
,I agree that
todayʼs
Correct your spelling
today
children
 have more
freedom
 than in the past.Given more
freedom
 to
children
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 many
adventageous
Correct your spelling
advantageous
advantages
 than drawbacks.
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

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task response
Ensure a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to guide the reader through your argument. This helps in developing a coherent response to the essay prompt.
coherence and cohesion
Use a range of linking words and phrases to create a cohesive flow between sentences and paragraphs. Avoid overuse of the same connectors to enhance coherence.
task response
Incorporate a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to enrich your essay. This will also help in clearly conveying comprehensive ideas.
task response
Provide more detailed and explicit examples to support your claims. Using specific instances can significantly strengthen your argument and task response.
coherence and cohesion
Proofread your essay to correct grammatical errors and ensure proper punctuation. This will improve the overall readability and coherence of your text.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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