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Band 6

Stress related illness are becoming increasingly common. What do you think are the causes of this. What is solution can you suggest?

#stress #illness
In
this
 contemporary era,
stress
 is a part of everyone's activity.
However
, some masses say that
stress
 is growing rapidly day by day in human beings.
This
 essay not only discusses the problem but gives the solution to how to reduce
stress
.
Firstly
, nowadays the
life
 of everybody is busy and they have no moment to do any other activities. Most folk are doing a private trade and they work near about 12 hours a day so they suffer from mental health diseases. Because in
this
 sector employer give numerous of workload on their employees and they become stressed to how to do all work in their shift.
Secondly
, with pace of the modern
life
, mass can not try to balance performance, family and personal pace. They think if they ask someone about how to manage the pace between them
then
 they feel guilty. So that they do not talk about same to anyone and
as a result
 they suffer from
stress
. In my opinion, there are numerous solutions to solve these types of diseases. First and foremost, the government should make a law for employees to do only eight hours
trade
Change preposition
of trade
show examples
, so that people have the plethora of space to do extra activities
such
 as yoga, gym and other exercise. If
crowd
Correct article usage
the crowd
show examples
 do
this
 exercise, they enjoy a
stress
-free
life
.
In addition
, folk should join the class on time management without hesitation. Once they learn to manage the space between profession and personal
life
then
 they reduce the
stress
 from their
life
. In conclusion,
however
,
crowd
Add an article
the crowd
show examples
 have a plethora of
stress
 in their jobs, they should trade only eight hours and
also
 balance in profession and personal
life
.
Submitted by harmanjotdhindsa on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay addresses the topic and provides a clear structure. To improve coherence and cohesion, work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs and sentences. This can be achieved by using more varied linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument more seamlessly. Furthermore, enhance the logical flow by organizing your ideas more effectively; each paragraph should contain one main idea, followed by supporting sentences.
task achievement
You have made an effort to cover the task by discussing causes and proposing solutions regarding stress-related illnesses. To improve, ensure your response is adequately developed. Expand on your ideas with more detailed explanations or additional examples. For task achievement, ensure that examples are directly related to the points made and are specific rather than general. A more direct response to the task questions with structured argumentation will help you score higher.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • stress-related illnesses
  • rapid pace
  • pressure
  • balance
  • omnipresent
  • information overload
  • disconnect
  • economic uncertainties
  • job insecurity
  • financial stress
  • environmental factors
  • chronic stress
  • work-life balance
  • flexible working hours
  • mental health
  • support programs
  • physical activity
  • healthy eating habits
  • awareness
  • accessibility
  • counseling
  • stress management
  • community environment
  • reconnect with nature
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