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Band 6

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #trend
Whether we like it or not, in the past few decades, the advent of modern gadgets has transformed all aspects of offspring's leisure pursuits in their break time. The writer states that in spite of bad impacts on physical health, the merits of having diverse enterprises for their entertainment and the enhancement of communication outweigh the drawbacks. To commence with, it is advantageous for
children
 to relax by various activities coming from modern gadgets. To elucidate, those interesting devices consist of incredible games that offspring possibly access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
,
instead
 of boring with playing traditional games. From
then
, offspring find it striking to enjoy their pastime.
Additionally
,
this
 innovation can enhance modes of communication permitting
children
 to stay connected with distant friends and family.
In other words
, those individuals have the ability to send messages
as well as
 have video calls through the utilities of social platforms.
Furthermore
, the speed of communication is augmented on the condition that being faster and faster.
For example
, Facebook and Instagram are prevalent social media that are used by
children
.
Conversely
, the discernible shortcoming is that offspring are negatively influenced by physical health. In fact,
children
 are mostly humpbacked
due to
 the sedentary lifestyle.
Besides
, those individuals regularly feel tired because of excessive time screen that causes eye strain. Take Vietnamese offspring as an example, over 40% of them are in trouble with bone disease
due to
 the abuse of technological gadgets. In conclusion,
although
children
 can have a big impact on physical health, it is useful for them to have various activities and enhanced modes of connection.
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coherence cohesion
Strengthen your essay's coherence by clearly outlining your main points in the introduction and linking them back in the conclusion. This will make your argument more persuasive and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Enhance cohesion by employing a wider range of linking words and phrases. This helps to connect ideas more smoothly and makes your essay more fluid to read.
task achievement
To fully address the task, ensure your essay provides a balanced view by discussing both advantages and disadvantages equally. This will demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Make your ideas clearer and more comprehensive by developing them further. Supporting them with more detailed examples or explanations can strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Incorporate relevant, specific examples to support your points. This not only adds credibility to your argument but also helps to illustrate your ideas more clearly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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